Tin Roof Alley Poets

Workout Room – Exercises for Your Brain, Rules & Forms – Game On! => Experimental, Formalisms and Adaptations => Topic started by: Marxistglue on June 11, 2012, 12:22 AM

Title: Stale Water
Post by: Marxistglue on June 11, 2012, 12:22 AM
It's just a poem I wrote, stream of conscious. What do you think?

Stale Water

Thumbs blister from empty lighters,
i defy,
if i stop, i'll die,
my legs walk without me,
i am somewhere else,
i can feel my skin
jumping away,
skull struggling to keep my brain
it wants to bleed out,
and run from my thoughts,
dripping out of my cat ears

Halcyon lights behind
the driest of eyes
focusing on a blackness,
that cuts up the day,
i think i am operating,
i know i am dreaming,
of masturbation i can't perform,
and foods i can't digest,

the afterbirth of semen,
tastes distinctly of caffeine,
and dark glasses assasinate my waxy
they groom me for a silent head,
where i am my own willing prey,
drunk on stale water,
in stale water,

wasteful with hours,
piss-soaked and beautiful,
let this be a lesson,
to vapid little shits,
wishing and wanking for the corpse
of ian fucking curtis,
is this what you wanted?
is this how it played out in your
featureless wet dream?

wait for the industrial enema,
wait for the crowning come-down,
you WILL be sick,
are you dressed for this?

Are those my eye-pits?
are these my hands?
laminated in sticky innards,
transforming me,
erasing me,

there are no innocent by-standers,
there are just the good-looking ones,
the principled ones,
and the miscarried ones,

We all have the right to drown,
in stale water
Title: Re: Stale Water
Post by: illiterati on June 16, 2012, 09:57 AM

i like the way stream of consciousness can break apart how we're conditioned to use language, and find strange and new and unfamiliar combinations.

my favorites were "Halcyon lights behind... eyes," "the afterbirth of semen / tastes distinctly of caffeine," and "my eye-pits."

Title: Re: Stale Water
Post by: Bill on June 16, 2012, 07:15 PM

I think that you should consider damming that stream.  What follows is a "found" opinion.

Stale, empty.  Struggl(e) to keep (your) brain inside.  Run from (your) thoughts, focusing on this lesson of a vapid, featureless, miscarried (write).
But keep on writing, anyway.

Title: Re: Stale Water
Post by: daisyxo on July 07, 2012, 09:40 AM
An interesting stream of thought .... seems like a person trying to drop a bad habit and the withdrawal feelings that are held inside - that want desparately to leak out.  I could be totally off base, but the stream intensified as the process continued - and even though the words weren't ones I'd choose - I felt the need to continue reading, to discover the outcome. 
Title: Re: Stale Water
Post by: DeckardBR-26354 on July 25, 2012, 06:22 PM
"Stale water" just kept looping thru my head as I read this. Pairing these disparate words is awesome. I was going to suggest that this played out in my head like a disjointed music video with lots of cut scenes and flashes and then I looked up Ian Curtis and that makes sense.
I liked it.
It's hard to suggest improvements or tweaks on a strem-of-consciousness narrative.
So I won't.
Title: Re: Stale Water
Post by: witt on July 26, 2012, 05:46 AM

Click on attacments. Browse. Then Post. You don't have to upload. Evidently it does that when you post.