Author Topic: In My Dreams  (Read 1408 times)

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Offline WordFaery

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In My Dreams
« on: May 23, 2004, 02:45 PM »
Any and all assistance much appreciated.


In My Dreams


In the melding of time and distance
you wait with strong arms,
laughter and love
for me.

Gasoline goes up three cents
and we both get older
with every hour of
increased responsibility.

The Dream, my light
at the end of the tunnel,
has gone out
due to budget cuts.

Never is a long time,
hard time in a real hell
as decreed by Karmic courts
for the sin of breaking faith.

My last request; love another.
You are free.
Do not wait
for me.


05/23/04
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

witt

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In My Dreams
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2004, 09:07 AM »
I love it. I do not see anything that I would change. I could feel the desperation and frustration. I liked the sarcasm. You might want to doodle with the last stanza. Just fool around with it and see what you can get. If you don't have an "Ah ha" moment, leave it as it is.

Witt

Offline WordFaery

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In My Dreams
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2004, 12:29 AM »
OK - - - here's the tinkered with version.

In My Dreams

In the melding of time and distance
you wait with strong arms,
laughter and love
for me.

Gasoline goes up three cents
and we both get older
with every hour of
increased responsibility.

The Dream, my light
at the end of the tunnel,
has gone out
due to budget cuts.

Never is a long time,
hard time, in a real hell
decreed by Karmic courts
for the sin of breaking faith.

You are free
to love another.
My last request;
forget.




"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

Offline WordFaery

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In My Dreams
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2004, 02:22 AM »
OR  I can make the last stanza read, like this:

You are free
to love another.
My last request;
forget.
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

witt

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In My Dreams
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2004, 09:53 AM »
I think that I like this one the best.
Witt

You are free
to love another.
My last request;
forget.

Offline WordFaery

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In My Dreams
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2004, 12:51 PM »
Witt -

I added a comma and removed the word "as" in the 4th stanza.  I also changed the 5th.

How does it read to you now?

regards and thanks !

WordFaery
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

witt

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In My Dreams
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2004, 10:52 AM »
I like it very much. See what revision can do?

Offline WordFaery

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In My Dreams
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2004, 12:41 PM »
Thanks for the guidance!
I've submitted it for consideration in the Chapbook.
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery