Author Topic: ECHOES OF DARKNESS  (Read 1152 times)

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Offline A-FRIEND

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ECHOES OF DARKNESS
« on: May 22, 2004, 03:29 PM »
This is my first opportunity to get feed back from such a talented group. Just tear into it.




ECHOES OF DARKNESS
How many worlds are there in the night?
Whenever we imagine ourselves sentient enough to escape,
We are forced into yet another passageway
In this universe of darkness.

As we float about in this acheronian macrocosm,
Are we destined to become the pea under the shell
To be shuffled about and lost in darkness’ domain?

How did this dismal world overwhelm us?
When did it obscure our mirth?
Which shadow stole our peace?
What nocturnal fiend consumed our spirits?

We struggle against these tenebrious provinces
In valiant attempts to free ourselves.
Perhaps a jolt of reality will awaken us
And provide an escape.

Somewhere there is morning softly whispering
Its promise of hope and renewal.
Come silently, Sweet Morning,
Lest you, too, be devoured.

© Spinner Sr.




Stop looking at the light. Instead, look at what is being illuminated by the light.

witt

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ECHOES OF DARKNESS
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2004, 10:03 AM »
This is my first opportunity to get feed back from such a talented group. Just tear into it.
[This is good as it is. Just a few little suggestions. Obviously, you, Lucid, and I have a thing about the sunshine and darkness.]



ECHOES OF DARKNESS

How many worlds are there in the night?
Whenever we imagine ourselves sentient enough to escape,
We are forced into yet another passageway [close; passageway is one word]
In this universe of darkness.

As we float about in this dark macrocosm, [consider another word for "dark"; perhaps something more metaphoric]
Are we destined to become the pea under the shell          
To be shuffled about and lost in darkness’ domain?

How did this dark world overwhelm us? [again think about replacing the word "dark"]
When did it obscure our mirth?
Which shadow stole our peace?
What nocturnal fiend consumed our spirits?

We struggle against these dark provinces [again, "dark"; there is nothing wrong with repetition, but this appears to weaken the piece]
In valiant attempts to free ourselves.                                    
Perhaps a jolt of reality will awaken us
And provide an escape.

Somewhere there is morning softly whispering
Its promise of hope and renewal.
Come silently[,] sweet morning, [consider capitalizing "sweet morning" since it is an apostrophe]
Lest you [,] too [,] be devoured.                                            

© Spinner Sr.

Edited by A-FRIEND on May 22 2004, 8:30am

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Offline A-FRIEND

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ECHOES OF DARKNESS
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2004, 01:22 PM »
tks much Witt. I looked it over and revised the words you suggested.
Let me know what you think.
I do have one question. when is repetition appropriate and at what intervals? Or are there no hard and fast rules?
Stop looking at the light. Instead, look at what is being illuminated by the light.

witt

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ECHOES OF DARKNESS
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2004, 10:00 AM »
Glad that I could be of some help.

As to repetition....  There are no hard rules about this. I have spoken with many different writers and we all agree that repetition can weaken a piece. It is as if the writer just couldn't come up with something better so he repeats himself. Sometimes, in prose, the author intends to repeat himself. In poetry, with its conciseness, every word should be carefully chosen. If you can use figurative language to create an image rather than repeat something, it is a better choice. In certain types of patterned poetry such as the vilanelle, one has to repeat because that is the pattern.
In your poem, perhaps you would like to continue with the word "dark" because the title is "Echoes". Try it both ways. Remember the key to good work is revise, revise, revise. (I meant to do that!)
 I would love to see what you do with it.
 
Witt