Author Topic: Your Talent  (Read 2915 times)

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Offline elise

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Your Talent
« on: October 18, 2003, 03:42 AM »
wow daisy, thanks so much for the ideas!!!  You seemed to know exactly where my problem was....thats the part i just couldn't smooth out....

You said: "The first ones" -- singing, or writing? --
"with its art" - needs a word or two added to balance the rhythm.

So how about this for starters:

Both singing and writing please our senses with their art;
The other tender love bestows upon a person's heart.

 ':writer:'
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline daisyxo

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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2003, 09:28 PM »
elise, I love the poem -- it has a serene feeling to it, perhaps because we love the arts and appreciate the talent that goes into the different forms '<img'>

I think you just need to work on your meter (rhythm).  The best way to figure out where it needs a word added or taken out (or changed) is to break it up into the smaller lines like Rg and breathingwolf did.  You get a better feel for the bounce that each line needs to help it work well with the bounce from previous lines.

Your Talent

Is your talent singing,
or writing with a flair?
Or is it seeing good in others
and finding beauty there?

Which of these is lovely
and worthy of our praise?
I think that they are equal,
touching us in different ways.

here is where I think you need to work on it.  

"The first ones" -- singing, or writing? --

"with its art" - needs a word or two added to balance the rhythm.


The first ones please our senses
with its art;

The other, tender love bestows
upon a person's heart.


I'd love to see your revision when you get it finished.  The poem is really lovely.
~ Marsha ~
 

"Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom with encouragement." -- Donald A. Laird

Offline daisyxo

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Your Talent
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2003, 08:16 PM »
Your Talent

Is your talent singing, or writing with a flair?
Or is it seeing good in others and finding beauty there?

Which of these is lovely and worthy of our praise?
I think that they are equal, touching us in different ways.

Singing and writing please our senses with their art;
tender love bestows warmth upon a person's heart

-------------------------------------------------

.... I like the changes you wrote, except how about dropping the beginning words in those lines?  They seem to recap too soon in the poem, but the rest is really good ....

.... Now you have a choice of separating the poem into couplets, or adding 2 more lines to the last verse to make it consistent with number of lines in first verse ....

.... I think you need 2 more lines regardless of which format you use though - it seems to stop mid-thought .... and maybe you could work in the "sharing" in those last 2 lines ....

It's looking good!




~ Marsha ~
 

"Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom with encouragement." -- Donald A. Laird

Offline elise

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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2003, 08:45 PM »
I think  this is a great time to get some help with this one!!!
I like it, but I think it "fizzles out" at the end!!!   The words are confusing, and dont flow right.......Help???  ':writer:'

Your Talent

Is your talent singing, or writing with a flair?
Or is it seeing good in others and finding beauty there?
Which of these is lovely and worthy of our praise?
I think that they are equal, touching us in different ways.

The first ones please our senses with its art;
The other, tender love bestows upon a person's
heart.
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline cafeRg

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Your Talent
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2003, 11:44 AM »
Your Talent

Is your talent singing,
or writing with a flair?
Is it seeing good in others;
finding beauty there?

Which of these is lovely,
and worthy of praise?

I think that they are equal,
touching us in different ways.
The first ones please our senses
with its art; The other, tender love
bestows upon a person's heart.

i think its perfect as is ..mayb a lil word tunin' and a trendy format ..(sips more coffee)

':bnik'
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline elise

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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2003, 03:11 PM »
Thank  you Rg for the kind words about the poem.....good idea about fine-tuning.... near the end it just doesn't flow right.....the part, "The first ones please our senses
with its art; "   That's tricky to follow i think....i could definitely learn "trendy" from you!!! Maybe i should try a new trendy one!   Thanks for helping!    ':sun'
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

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« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2003, 03:04 PM »
Elsie how about adding something about what inspires you to write....such as love, birds, or whatever you choose
 '<img:'>

Offline breathingwolf1

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« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2003, 03:24 PM »
elsie how about something like....what do ya think??

Which of these is lovely,
and worthy of our praise?
Maybe they are equal
touching in different ways.

One first pleases senses
sharing with the art,
but tender love bestows...
upon a persons heart.            

':writer:'




in the end... she has walked to the other side of the moon and is waiting for me there.

Offline elise

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« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2003, 11:19 AM »
Pashy,  thanks for the idea about using something i like....maybe flowers or feelings to help expand it.   Gonna work on it, thanks!!!
 '<img:'>
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline elise

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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2003, 11:23 AM »
breathingwolf....Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.....

One first pleases senses
sharing with the art,
but tender love bestows...
upon a persons heart.            

Love the word "sharing" added here....will work to incorporate it, as i continue to refine it!  Thanks again!   ':sun'
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline breathingwolf1

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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2003, 12:36 PM »
my pleasure....elsie...i just love this place and the unity shared here
in the end... she has walked to the other side of the moon and is waiting for me there.

Offline elise

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« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2003, 06:33 PM »
YAY, thanks daisy, you are really helping!!!   Another stab at it , incorporating your help.....(though not sure exactly which words to delete)  help???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is your talent singing, or writing with a flair?
Or is it seeing good in others and finding beauty there?
Which of these is lovely and worthy of our praise?
I think that they are equal, touching us in different ways.

Singing and writing please our senses with their art;
Tender love and caring bestows warmth upon a heart.
As we share our talents we find a treasure rare,
la la la la la la, la la la  la la care/there

LOL.....whatcha think so far......

 '<img:'>
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline daisyxo

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« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2003, 07:11 PM »
hey elise, wecome home - hope your vacation was a good one '<img'>

Your poem is looking really good!!!  I can't think of anything at the moment that rhymes with care/share/there/flair -- that would fit right now though lol.
~ Marsha ~
 

"Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom with encouragement." -- Donald A. Laird

Offline elise

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« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2003, 06:16 PM »
daisy, i am finally  happier with this poem!!!   Whatcha think....(and thanks for your help, it has made a huge difference)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Talent is a Circle

Is your talent singing, or writing with a flair?
Or is it seeing good in others and finding beauty there?
Which of these is lovely and worthy of our praise?
I think that they are equal, touching us in different ways.

Singing and writing please our senses with their art;
Tender love and caring bestows warmth upon a heart.
If talent is a circle, each one of us holds a share,
When we put them all together, we find a treasure rare.

 '<img:'>  '<img:'>  '<img:'>




I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson