Author Topic: His Story  (Read 1186 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Mydnight

  • Willows
  • *
  • Posts: 450
  • Robert
    • http://mydnightpoetry.untoldwords.com/
His Story
« on: January 16, 2004, 03:49 PM »
I try and tell a story with this poem any ideas to get the story across better??


His Story

I see him sitting there by the cardboard shack
That he know calls home
A young couple goes out of there way
To leave the man alone

He sits alone his head hung low
A bottle in his hand
I could see the sadness in his eyes
Eyes of a lonly man

Those eyes they told a story
Of years thats long been past
He holds the bottle close to him
As if it will be his last

I walked to him and i knelt down
And asked the man his name
He looked at me with bloodshot eyes
Eyes that showed his pain

As we began to talk
His story began to unfold
Of the man he used to be
His story to me he told

He said i was once respected
With a family and a job
But that has all changed now
For my money i do rob

I lost my wife and unborn child
Four years ago today
You see i was in this bottle
And the car it got away

I was throw clear without a scratch
On my wife the car it fell
I watched her life end in front of me
So now i live in hell

I wake each night and hear her screams
As she calls out my name
So now you see thats why i am
The man you see today

As i stood to walk away
The man he took my hand
Tears fell down his dirt stained face
I could feel his undyeing pain

He asked when i lay down this night
And pray to god above
Please ask him to forgive him
For loseing his only love.
Life is a poem you just have to know were to look.

Offline Always

  • Paragon
  • *
  • Posts: 1250
  • DREAMING & WISHING  
    • http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/Always/index.html
His Story
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2004, 11:05 AM »
Nicely done..... from my point of view ( and in my work I see this every single day on the streets) you told it just like it is !    Thanks for posting ...........^i^
"I believe in Angels.....but I call them my best friends"  ^i^


Charlotte

Offline elise

  • Alley Cat Assistant
  • *
  • Posts: 4229
His Story
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2004, 08:54 PM »
Myd, this one brought me to tears!   A very heart-wrenching and beautiful poem.......you show your heart in your work.  thank you for sharing this Myd.
 '<img:'>
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Sleepygrass

  • Guest
His Story
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2004, 10:22 AM »
I note you chose to make this a rhyming piece - nothing wrong with that but I'd be interested to see you recast it as free verse. I think that would free you up to give more story here - a little more subtext, perhaps. See what you think.

Offline Lady SunShine

  • Senior Alley Hostess
  • *
  • Posts: 5165
  • Awaken Dreamer
    • http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/ladysunshine/Sunshine'World.html
His Story
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2004, 10:13 PM »
this is so sad and touches so deep wonderful writting bro
Never Let Yesterday's Pain
Ruin Tomorrow's Dreams