Author Topic: The Caretaker  (Read 1521 times)

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Offline chucklev

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The Caretaker
« on: April 13, 2004, 03:39 AM »
Not sure what you want to do with this -- You are using the caretakers' voice, so there is a rhythm and a sound you are after.  The repetition of words and phrases is something that I would normally want to cut -- tighten up the language.  But I don't think you want to do that. How about grammar --? "there was big stones..."  Is that the caretaker?  or should it be "were"?
chucklev

Offline cafeRg

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The Caretaker
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2004, 04:04 PM »
i wrote this for another forum here at Splash but i think i would like to fine tune it .. any suggestions?

The CareTaker

i think it was summer of '96
i mowed this lawn, this plot
of plots; graves i speak of.
Not your usual plot, for this
plot lay behind a big southern
home. 'twas the family plot.

i mowed that lawn almost every
week. i mowed, raked and bagged.
often in the hot south sun,
i break for some cool water and
a smoke. i would gaze this plot
i would cut. not a big plot of
plots, but generations from the
civil war 'til recent, this family.

there lay the good, the bad,
the young and the old. all dead
gone. during my breaks i would stroll
the stones, wondering who she was,
who he was and wondered how
they might have lived. now ghost
to haunt within.

there was big stones, small stones;
but three stones always stood out,
there in the back, ov'r there in the back
three stones. one of average size had engraved
Big Black Mamma, next to hers about half the size
engraved only the dates of this souls life. could
it been her husband i wondered?

next to them was this really big stone, though flat
it lay to the ground. it was the biggest stone
in the plot of plots i would cut, even bigger than
the first family to die. 'twas this stone that my gut
tighten; my breathe would deepen, my eyes would
stare, for on this biggest stone of all the plots
was the names of many, all thrown into
one.

© 2004 cafeRg
 ':bnik'
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline cafeRg

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The Caretaker
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2004, 12:14 AM »
yea definitely some of the grammer ..thx chuck

':bnik'
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline chucklev

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The Caretaker
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2004, 12:47 AM »
Quote (cafeRg @ April 11 2004, 12:04pm)
This is a very presumptuous thing to do -- but I thought I would try editing your poem.  Mainly, I tightened it up -- I probably lost the caretaker's voice -- What do you think of it?

Chuck

The CareTaker

Summer of '96: I mowed
this plot of plots; graves.
Behind a big southern
home, the family plot.

Almost every week. mowed,
raked and bagged
in the hot south sun;
break for some cool water and
a smoke. I gazed at this plot,
at generations of the family
from civil war 'til yesetrday.

There lay the good, bad,
young and old. All dead
and gone. During breaks I strolled
the stones, wondered who she was,
who he was, how they lived.
I am the ghost who haunts them.

Big stones and small,
three stood out,
over there in the back:
one of average size engraved
"Big Black Mamma", next to hers
about half the size, only the dates
of this soul's life. Her husband?

Flat to the ground a massive stone,
the biggest stone in the plot of plots,
greater than the first family's marker.
My gut tightened, breath deepened,
fixed my eyes on this memorial:
name after name inscribed in granite,
a mass grave, a common death.

© 2004 cafeRg
 ':bnik'

A presumptuous edit --
chucklev

witt

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The Caretaker
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2004, 09:27 AM »
I thought that just a few changes in grammar would help with this poem. I like the repetition even though some think that is the lazy man's way of using a rhetorical device. It seems to work nicely in this poem. I also like the antitheses used within the poem. I also added a few changes for parallelism. I hope that this helps.
Witt


i think it was summer of '96
i mowed this lawn, this plot
of plots; graves i speak of.
Not your usual plot, for this
plot lay behind a big southern
home. 'twas the family plot.

i mowed that lawn almost every
week. i mowed, raked and bagged.
often in the hot south sun,
i break [BROKE](perhaps? to keep the tense-it even rhymes with smoke for internal rhyme)for some cool water and
a smoke. i would gaze this plot[(period?)]
i would cut. not a big plot of
plots, but generations from the
civil war 'til recent, this family.

there lay the good, the bad,
the young and the old. all dead,
gone. during my breaks, i would stroll
the stones, wondering who she was,
who he was and wondered how
they might have lived. now ghost
to haunt within.

there was [WERE] big stones, small stones;
but three stones always stood out,
there in the back, ov'r [OVER would be ok here] there in the back,
three stones. one of average size had engraved
Big Black Mamma, next to hers about half the size
engraved only the dates of this souls [SOUL'S] life. could
it [HAVE] been her husband [comma] i wondered?

next to them was this really big stone, though [delete THOUGH add a comma] flat [comma]
it lay to the ground. it was the biggest stone
in the plot of plots i would cut, even bigger than
the first family to die. 'twas [AT] this stone that [maybe delete THAT] my gut [WOULD]
tighten; my breathe [BREATH] would deepen, my eyes would
stare, for on this biggest stone of all the plots
was [WERE] the names of many, all thrown into
one.

© 2004 cafeRg

Offline cafeRg

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The Caretaker
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2004, 01:53 PM »
thx chuck and witt ..and no chuck your not being presumptuous  ..thats why i posted here in the poetic ax to get some different renderings ..and both renditions are great ..tho i need to admit i enjoy the caretakers southern dialect..

i cans works wit dis ...heheh

':bnik'
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.