Author Topic: Unfinished  (Read 482 times)

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Offline the beholder

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Unfinished
« on: August 16, 2012, 03:15 AM »
Hurt pain and rage
Rippling just beneath the surface
Feel the sharks circling
Waiting for the bloody tears
crows sit upon scarecrow soul
ready to pick at carcass of dead love
bloody fi
Finish later boss caught me on phone lol
It's a long dark terrifying ride out of hell;but only a short fall from grace into it

Offline Halo

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Re: Unfinished
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2012, 09:54 AM »
Hi beholder,  How about this...

Quote
ready to pick at carcass of dead love



Quote
ready to pick the carcass of dead love

just my opinion of course. :coffee




Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.  ~  Ira Gassen

Offline Kay

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Re: Unfinished
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2012, 01:53 PM »
B,

I would start with the carcass and rewrite this. I'm serious.

Hurt pain and rage
Rippling just beneath the surface
Feel the sharks circling
Waiting for the bloody tears

crows sit upon scarecrow soul
ready to pick at carcass of dead love


Is this next line part of the poem Tell me, it isn't so!  *dance*

Quote
Finish later boss caught me on phone lol

Offline dublinsteve

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Re: Unfinished
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2012, 09:30 PM »
Just too much cleeeeeeeshay. In fact, if there is ever a course or seminar about that fact, this would be in the textbook...hurt, pain, rage, rippling beneath the surface, sharks circling, bloody tears, the "soul" word, picking a carcass...you are damn lucky the boss came in and put this to a quick death.  Of course, you know I am....really not kidding.  Good to see you again, in  manner of speaking.

Offline the beholder

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Re: Unfinished
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2012, 02:16 AM »
Hurt pain and rage
Rippling just beneath the surface

Feel the sharks circling
Waiting for the bloody tears to cloud the water

Crows sit upon scarecrow soul
Ready to pick the carcass of dead love

Finger painting dying hearts obituary
A mad things hiroglphs to the future

Left to those curious few
That read my storied bones

What lips brushed mine in these final moments
Who brought me this saddest of ends

This was meant to be slightly melodramatic over the top we all have those moments of dejavu cheesy overwrought with emotion this was one of mine
It's a long dark terrifying ride out of hell;but only a short fall from grace into it