Author Topic: My Burial  (Read 1172 times)

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witt

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2012, 05:46 AM »
How's this?

Don't lay me in this hard clay
Where mad raccoons lurk in sunshine
And vultures wait for ripped leavings
Of the fox who sits in the yard eyeing the cat,
Where deer harvest my beans and sow their ticks.
This bull tallow is like concrete when it's dry.
   I'll be trapped forever in that vengeful grave,
   A place where even bacteria can't breed.

Flop me in the pluff mud to undulate
with cordgrass and laugh with the gulls.
I'll giggle as shrimp nibble my toes,
Sidle beside blue crabs,
And synchronize with mummichogs 
While moon snails cover my eyes.
   Let me languish in the low country salt marsh
   To drift away with the tide.



witt

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #15 on: July 25, 2012, 05:49 PM »
Did no one notice the change? What do you think? I went with Bill's thought, but I didn't want to use his exact wording.

Don't lay me in this hard clay
Where mad raccoons lurk in sunshine
And vultures wait for ripped leavings
Of the fox who sits in the yard eyeing the cat,
Where deer harvest my beans and sow their ticks.
This bull tallow is like concrete when it's dry.
  I'll be trapped forever in that vengeful grave,   
  A place where even bacteria can't breed.

Flop me in the pluff mud to undulate
with cordgrass and laugh with the gulls.
I'll giggle as shrimp nibble my toes,
Sidle beside blue crabs,
And synchronize with mummichogs 
While moon snails cover my eyes.
   Let me languish in the low country salt marsh
   To drift away with the tide.


I thought about changing  this:
Don't lay me in this hard clay
to this
Don't lay me in this rock hard clay
I don't know if that helps with the meter or not.  Too cliche?








witt

  • Guest
Re: My Burial
« Reply #16 on: July 27, 2012, 05:39 PM »


What? No comment? Well, thank you very much.


Did no one notice the change? What do you think? I went with Bill's thought, but I didn't want to use his exact wording.

Don't lay me in this hard clay
Where mad raccoons lurk in sunshine
And vultures wait for ripped leavings
Of the fox who sits in the yard eyeing the cat,
Where deer harvest my beans and sow their ticks.
This bull tallow is like concrete when it's dry.
  I'll be trapped forever in that vengeful grave,   
  A place where even bacteria can't breed.

Flop me in the pluff mud to undulate
with cordgrass and laugh with the gulls.
I'll giggle as shrimp nibble my toes,
Sidle beside blue crabs,
And synchronize with mummichogs 
While moon snails cover my eyes.
   Let me languish in the low country salt marsh
   To drift away with the tide.


I thought about changing  this:
Don't lay me in this hard clay
to this
Don't lay me in this rock hard clay
I don't know if that helps with the meter or not.  Too cliche?

Offline Bill

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2012, 12:11 PM »
Witt,

Sorry.  Life is happening.  Been trying to put out fires.

I think what I cut and pasted below is solid.  I really enjoyed the lines I boldfaced.  The last two lines of each stanza are strong summations.  Good stuff.

As a matter of current trends, it might be wise to loose the capitals of the first word of each line, unless they are the beginning of a sentence.  For some reason or another, it seems to indicate that one knows how to write modern poetry.

Otherwise the contradictions both in imagery and sound between S1 and S2 are working for me.  But then I'm not ty the best judge of what will work for others.

I'd submit it, but always remain satisfied with it for its own sake, regardless of how it is "judged."

Keep writing,
Bill


Don't lay me in this hard clay
Where mad raccoons lurk in sunshine
And vultures wait for ripped leavings
Of the fox who sits in the yard eyeing the cat,
Where deer harvest my beans and sow their ticks.
This bull tallow is like concrete when it's dry.
  I'll be trapped forever in that vengeful grave,
   A place where even bacteria can't breed.


Flop me in the pluff mud to undulate
with cordgrass and laugh with the gulls.
I'll giggle as shrimp nibble my toes,
Sidle beside blue crabs,
And synchronize with mummichogs 
While moon snails cover my eyes.
   Let me languish in the low country salt marsh
   To drift away with the tide.



witt

  • Guest
Re: My Burial
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2012, 05:50 PM »


Thanks, Bill. I had already submitted it, but I went in and fixed the capitalization.

You are a wonderful taskmaster. I appreciate all your help!!

Maybe one day I'll learn.




Offline Kay

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2012, 08:15 PM »

Quote
What? No comment? Well, thank you very much.



Witt, I like the revision but the poem is being beaten to death. It seemed my input had been buried along with the poem!

I'm still wondering about that one line I asked about.

I would not overwork this into a mechanical series of lines. Your talent shows through.

witt

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2012, 05:41 AM »



Thanks, Kay. I was just inquiring about the lines in red.

Which one line were you asking about?




Offline Kay

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2012, 07:15 AM »
Quote
Witt, I read this as you are "in" the mausoleum
and asking "not" to be buried beneath the ground.

Am I reading that thought correctly?

witt

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2012, 03:28 PM »


Oh, yeah. That question. No the N is not necessarily dead yet. It's just a rail against the horrible bull tallow clay in this area. The N wants to be buried back in the low country where the soil is rich and wonderful, even if they just throw the N into the marsh to rot away in the salt marshes. Any place except in this horrible hard ground here in this county.








Offline Kay

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Re: My Burial
« Reply #23 on: August 02, 2012, 09:10 AM »
Thanks :rose