Author Topic: Mothers' Day Poem  (Read 1639 times)

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Offline Masterdust

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Mothers' Day Poem
« on: June 02, 2012, 01:00 AM »
Well, here it is.. I know its a mess..  It's taken me ages to come up with that..  I really like the "feel" of the last stanza. but reading the rest of it.. most of it does not seem to fit with the "feel"  lol i'm not sure if you know what i mean but.. here it is..

For all the times I didn't say,
About how I felt along the way,
For the love you gave and the work you've done,
Here's appreciation from your admiring son

For cleaning the sheets and making my bed,
Fluffing the pillow and resting my head.
For tucking me in and dousing the light
Cracking the door in the heat of the night

For shelving my shoes and pressing my tops,
Folding the laundry and rolling my socks
For hemming my jeans and mending my clothes,
Like stitching up tares and patching up holes

For years of slaving over hot stoves and grills
For setting the table, and wiping up spills
For dinners and lunches and all sorts of snacks
Breakfasts and brunches, and filling my pack

For all of your smiles and warm-hearted talks
Your loving hugs, and our countless walks
For every little chuckle or even a mirth
A life full of amity, from the day of my birth

For all the times you calmed my fears
Healed my hurts and wiped my tears
For understanding and forging my strength
Taking my hand and going the length

For every tear your eyes have shed
And every drop your heart has bled
For every step you’ve had to take
The leaps and bounds you’ve had to make

For raising your son,  couldn’t have been easy
And giving your love so open and freely
For commending your time and changing your plans
Transforming your son from a boy to a man

For all of the savvy and lessons you’ve taught
And all the support and comfort you’ve brought
For your stern hand but sound resolve
That taught me how to grow and evolve

For every night you came home late
Pissed off at the traffic, tired, irate
You still took the time to show me you cared
 

For night after night you stayed up waiting,
Preparing a lecture and patiently stating

For all the triumphs we`ve come to share
And all the bumps we`ve had to bear

For the joys and sorrows that we’ve shared
I’m thankful that we’re eternally paired.

For when the world’s up on my shoulders
You lift the weight, take down the boulders
For every time I was sick or blue
You gave me strength and pulled me through

For every fight and every struggle
Every hug and every snuggle
For every scream for every shout
Every debate and every doubt

For every time I got in trouble
Kicked my butt you made me humble
For your utmost care, love and affection
Relentless devotion, eternal protection

For when it seems my world is hopeless
You say the words that help bring me back to focus


For all of the times that you’ve bailed me out,
Unveiled a new path, and conducted my route.
For unearthing a map to amend my direction,
Back to the safety of your protection

So, for all the times I didn't say,
The love I felt for you each day,
Mom, read this so you can always see
Just how much you mean to me.


note: i also realize my meter or and flow is probably way off in many places.. i feel bad for asking for help lol.

Offline elise

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2012, 11:49 AM »
Oh my, this piece brought tears to my eyes!  I have always loved good rhyme.   Never feel bad for asking for help.  I don't ordinarily give any suggestions in places other than THE AX, unless invited.   Everyone here loves to help, and we all need help ourselves at times.

My only suggestions are:
For the most part, you have kept the stanzas in quads (4 lines) except for a few places where they are couplets (2 nlines) or triplets (3n lines).  Can you put them together to keep to the quad theme?   

Also::

Quote
"Back to the safety of your everlasting protection"
I recommend dropping "everlasting" for meter

Quote
For raising your son, that couldn’t have been easy
I would recommend dropping "that" and leaving out the comma here

Quote
You say the words that help bring me back to focus
I recommend dropping "back" for meter

Quote
For all of the times that you’ve bailed me out,
I recommend dropping "that" for meter

Your mother must have been amazing!  I hope she gets to read this!
Thanks for sharing!
 :rose
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline illiterati

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2012, 11:51 PM »

master dust -

i had lots of things that might help with the organization -

i'm sure you'll make your mom very happy with the poem.

thanks for posting,

matt


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b4X1r4vC1pJuDLrP5EmXMurum_5eeHPnTMM9q_qZHmc/edit

Offline illiterati

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2012, 08:19 AM »

and i second elise's suggestions about particular words to drop.

-matt

Offline Masterdust

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2012, 09:33 PM »
Alright! Thanks to Matt and Elise for their help, this is the revised verson.  I also amended a few things here and there... i still think stanzas 10-13 are still weak..

For all the times I didn't say,
The love I felt for you each day,
Mom, read this so you’ll always see
Just how much you mean to me.

For cleaning the sheets and making my bed,
Fluffing the pillow and resting my head.
For tucking me in and dousing the light
Cracking the door in the heat of the night

For shelving my shoes and pressing my tops,
Folding the laundry and rolling my socks
For hemming my jeans and mending my clothes,
Like stitching up tares and patching up holes

For all of your smiles and warm-hearted talks
Your big loving hugs, our long countless walks
For every little chuckle or even a mirth
Life full of amity, from the day of my birth

For all the times you calmed my fears
Healed my hurts and wiped my tears
For understanding and forging my strength
Taking my hand and going the length

For raising your son couldn’t have been easy
And giving your love so open and freely
For commending your time and changing your plans
Transforming your son from a boy to a man

For all of the savvy and lessons you’ve taught
And all the support and comfort you’ve brought
For your stern hand but sound resolve
That taught me how to grow and evolve

For every fight and every struggle
Every hug and every snuggle
For every scream for every shout
Every debate and every doubt

For every time I got in trouble
Kicked my butt you made me humble
For your utmost care, love and affection
Relentless devotion, eternal protection

For every night you came home late
Pissed off at the traffic, tired, irate
For night after night you stayed up waiting,
Preparing a lecture and patiently stating

For all the triumphs we`ve come to share
And all the bumps we`ve had to bear
For the joys and sorrows that we’ve shared
I’m thankful that we’re eternally paired.

For when it seemed my world was hopeless
You said the words to bring me to focus
For every time I was sick or blue
You gave me strength and pulled me through

For all of the times you’ve bailed me out,
Unveiled a new path, and conducted my route.
For unearthing a map to amend my direction,
Back to the safety of your protection

For all the times I didn't say,
The love I felt for you each day,
Mom, read this so you’ll always see
Just how much you mean to me.

Offline illiterati

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2012, 10:41 AM »
master dust -

the structure is much improved and streamlined.

well done. are you ready to send it off to your mom (i think it's ready), or do you want to further revise?

or do you want to send it off to mom and then further revise, as an experiment / just for practice?

-matt

Offline Masterdust

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2012, 12:31 AM »
yes please, I'd like to further revise..

Perhaps I'm my own worst critic but this is what I feel needs improvement:

Like stitching up tares and patching up holes. - Is tares a word? it's the plural of tare right?

For every little chuckle or even a mirth -  Witt mentioned this line is grammatically incorrect. I'm having a hard time fixing it.

For all of the savvy and lessons you’ve taught - can you teach savvy? I'm not sure if the word is being used correctly.
 
For every time I got in trouble - I use "every" a lot is this poem maybe,  For the loads of times I got in trouble?

Kicked my butt you made me humble - I find this a bit weak,   Kicked my butt seems childish to me.

Stanza 10
     - Preparing a lecture and patiently stating - It seems like this should be line 2 of a 4 line stanza
     - L1 and L2  don't fit with L3 and L4

Stanza 11
     - it's like a quadruple A rhyme scheme, all the others are AA BB.
     - L1 & L3 the last word is the same.
     - L4 says kinda the same thing as L4 in Stanza 9

Stanza 12
     - Again  The first 2 and second 2 lines don't really jive together..

Stanza 13 just seems out of place altogether.


Offline illiterati

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Re: Mothers' Day Poem
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2012, 03:46 PM »

well, it seems to me, that with witt's suggestions on the AX and your own drive to complete, you probably can finish up with those minor revisions by yourself.

if i were to make further suggestions, i was thinking of things that might pull the poem apart and tinker around with what's inside before putting it back together. really - i could go on forever or however willing you're to keep tinkering.

that's why i thought it might be best to send it to your mom, first -

let the more radical revisions or reconceptions serve as experiments in poetic style, rather than something necessary to make your mom happy -

you don't want endless revisions to keep it in from its purpose.