Author Topic: where the clock bends  (Read 1216 times)

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Offline cy street

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where the clock bends
« on: April 25, 2012, 05:57 AM »
where the clock bends


watch your step
it rained today
two inches
that cypress she’s gay

that’s correct
come on
ten feet in
we give it away

we can pretend
i like it when we new
i like it when we go blind
i see better when we do

how do you spell
do it again
ten seconds
do you concede

those are my lips
blame my last mescal
i need nothing
i need the cameras to aim there

where the clock bends
reaches for noon thirty
day
night
you decide

we can pretend
i like it when we new
i like it when we go blind
i see better when we do
"Disappointing you...is getting me down..."

Offline illiterati

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2012, 10:13 AM »
difficult to comment on a spoken word piece when it's on the page....

my first reaction (not that this is helpful) is that it is definitely not as strong as "america > right"

in fact, i'd say that most of it feels pretty weak.

how do you spell what?
do what again?
ten seconds for what? (the entire concept of time in this piece is mushy - not in the way you'd like it to be. as far as i can read, there's nothing interesting going on in the poem about time except the super basic idea that the experience of time has a subjective element - clock time is not always the same as mind-time. well that's boring. we all know that. and the actual language work you do with time has as far as i can tell only a tangential relationship to that basic idea: ten seconds, noon thirty / day / night / you decide

i have no idea why the cameras need to aim where?

on reflection, the first stanza felt a little bit stronger - you could get somewhere with the rain and the cypress, and although i don't know what your spoken word sounds like i can see how you could swing "that cypress she's gay"

i think you have something to work with in the chorus-strophe too:

"i like it when we go blind / i see better when we do"

simple and interesting, if not world-shattering

*

in general, these (perhaps random) shifts might work better if the piece had a little bit more girth and language to work with - that simple, lyrical purity and sing-song repetitiveness that was so strong in america > right can't work in this already minimal piece.

don't know if any of that is useful.

-matt

Offline champagne_shoes

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2012, 03:48 PM »
I like this for its off-ness.
what ever
it seems you have an online cult following

ask me nicely and I will tell you my reliable sources.

is noon:30
early or late?

"A community of poets is like a community of cats." joey

Offline seraph

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2012, 08:08 PM »
I find your words intoxicating,

yet I am unsure why.

it calls me to look closer and the more I do the less I understand.

I like to bend my mind along with your poem,

it is exhilarating.

seraph

Offline stageleft

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2012, 11:34 AM »
Cy Street, great poem!  It is so (ligera), light in Spanish.  It is like whip cream translated into words, if that makes any sense to you.  I would love to share a page from my novel, can you send me Facebook notes again, or do you have any other ideas about where I can put my novel down for people to see?

Offline SkaaDee

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2012, 11:30 AM »
nice
It has tempo




is this a typo?

"i like it when we new"   (knew?)


nevertheless, it threw me
because i can't imagine newing.


 


 
 



Offline cy street

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2012, 01:12 AM »
AX mavens, thanks for your confusions, compliments and questions.  this is another song i submitted to "colamiles".  understand that i cannot sing.  but if you like, here it is in my voice...

where the clock bends
"Disappointing you...is getting me down..."

Offline stageleft

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2012, 02:37 AM »
Cy, that is the most incredible reading of your "poem."  I put it in quotations because it is much more than a poem, it is like a Greek stone face totally smooth with some features like the nose, mouth, etc.  Write me a poem about my film, it is titled "Hollywood Party", do I need to say more???

Stageleft, or Phil Lesh, you decide.

Offline cafeRg

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2012, 10:11 AM »
This was very enjoyable, Cy, but I think you should do a remake and this time put more soul in your voice. None the less it was great to hear you read.






Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline Bittersweet

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2012, 12:39 PM »
Very cool read, Cy.  Enjoyed the uniqueness of this poem and the slow drawl of your Southern tinted voice.   


Offline Matthew Pelletier

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2012, 05:17 PM »
I really like this! The title makes me think of The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali. Also, is "new" a typo?

As for a critique, there's little cohesive imagery-there's a few pictures that pop into my brain, though none of them fit the last.

Offline cy street

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2012, 02:05 AM »
citizen pelletier, so far as i know, we have never met.  if not, nice to meet you.  if so, pardon me, i often forget.  your reference to dali nails the poem/song's moorings.  well done.  no, "new" is not a typo.  and as it goes with the lack of cohesion, i would ask you, "what's so cohesive about the persistence of memory?"

it's nice to meet you,
you can count on me to sunbath in your ink,

street
"Disappointing you...is getting me down..."

Offline WordFaery

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2012, 09:56 PM »
listens

feels the need
for Toasted Head
cold
real cold

sips the listens
times time


might as well be
groceries
heart of palm
mandarins
mescal
mint
tarragon

devoid of habanero
not like you


WF

"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

Offline stageleft

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Re: where the clock bends
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2012, 07:06 PM »
Cy Street,  I listened to your poem again and it makes me want to be somewhere, in time.  I would really like you to record another poem, or see one you are working on.  It makes me think, are my writings just some sort of fantasy, or what am I trying to relate to the reader as a writer.  I've seen your other photographs, and they make me think;  what is the individual person about.  One more night without writing, I wish you would.

Thanks,
Stageleft