Author Topic: it's america > right  (Read 779 times)

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Offline cy street

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it's america > right
« on: April 18, 2012, 12:06 AM »
it’s america
right


i went to the pub
tuesday night
the band was shitty
your smile was tight
i sipped some scrimshaw
rehearsed some lines
standing in the back
you asked what time

i bit my tongue
ya those vines

you said

you have to come

bring me your last times
we can burn some rosemary
sip her flames
i won’t tell
no one will ever know
where those lakes go

it’s past midnight
she’s out of town
out of sight
ya i’ll write it down
it’s america
right
let’s pretend it is
and i’ll pretend again
and again

i bit my tongue
ya those vines

you said

you have to come

bring me your last times
we can burn my candles
sip my flames
i won’t tell
no one will ever know
where those lakes go

it’s america
right

"Disappointing you...is getting me down..."

Offline elise

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2012, 11:19 AM »
Oh Cy...Are we talking about the stealing of our water?   Well, maybe I am far off but that's what I got from it.  I so enjoyed this.
 :sunny
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline champagne_shoes

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2012, 02:48 PM »
Mr. Street,

My first response was to savour your playful use of rhyme.

america—what is left<behind?
I have a myriad questions to ask you about The Americas.

Wonderful title.

I enjoyed the subtle shift of tenses. (<)

I discovered juicy new tidbits upon each further read.

A great put-down and an even greater build-up


best regards
"A community of poets is like a community of cats." joey

Offline cy street

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2012, 02:56 AM »
e, it's not political.  it's a true story.  boy meets girl, but boy is married...

shoes, i hope your AM is full of moon...

best,
street
"Disappointing you...is getting me down..."

Offline seraph

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2012, 04:00 PM »
This is hauntingly beautiful.

Offline Mojave

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2012, 02:07 PM »
Cy---

poet about to perform with a band, a lady invites him to dinner:

we can burn some rosemary
sip her flames
i won’t tell
no one will ever know
where those lakes go



burn some rosemary?


and i suppose there are few men (and few women) who haven't blown a year or two of their lives, not to mention marriages and relationships to their kids) by convincing themselves

no one will ever know.


the overlay of Amerika...don't work good for me.

too much rush, too much santorum i guess.

can we find a better modifier?


your smile was tight

Los angeles and all, but are we talking a joan rivers facelift here? 



my favorites:

i sipped some scrimshaw
rehearsed some lines



i thought about a little rosemary
for two,

that famous nice chianti,
those farva beans.



A smell of French bread
off Santa Monica,

your cigarette stub
smoking and still red
from your open mouth,
a Dorothy Perkins rose
in the sink.

I'm on.




mojave









Mojave

Night lowers its jewelblue wing
---Sarah Jane Sloat

Offline illiterati

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2012, 07:07 PM »
Cy, (I hate this bastard phone and trying to type on it - in sum, I'd strongly suggest dropping the task and repeated it's America, right - they don't accomplish annything that the poem doesn't already accomplish in subtler and more skillful ways)

This piece is lyrical and almost minimalist. I enjoy it very much.

On the one hand, this lyrical quality is central to the poetics of this piece. The almost sing-song repetitions, the chorus-like quality of the recurrence of certain words, like rosemary. And you achieve a kind of trimmed down purity of language that fits the poem's subject. The sing-song poetics are almost--but not quite--the voice of the central character--who after all "bites [his] tongue," but seem to arise out of the mutual dance of aestheticizing deception created by both characters. Most poignant and subtly tragic--more world weary and melancholic than tragic, I guess--is the awareness of the poem and its characters of their deception  in combination with an unwillingness or inability to do anything about it. The poem tells you its sing-song isn't real ("pretend again and again"), and invites the reader to be lured in and ensorcelled by its seduction.

That said, I felt that the repeated use of ya and it's America / right were overkill. We don't need them for the poem's lyricism, nor do we need them to understand its characters

Offline elise

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2012, 10:41 PM »
Quote
e, it's not political.  it's a true story.  boy meets girl, but boy is married...

okayyyy I re-read it Cy...and feel the heat now.  Yeah...it's America.   Amazing how a reader can be so off-base.  I guess we bring in our own agendas when we read.
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline illiterati

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2012, 10:48 PM »
I also dislike "pub"

Offline dublinsteve

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Re: it's america > right
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2012, 07:14 PM »
Cyrus Van Street, lost greetings to be found again, twixt us!  An excellent spoken word piece, but you know that. My only confusication is the line with "lake" in it. So, I read it several times and says to myself, "WTF! is the Cyrus thinking??  Is he on the rosemary or what??" No explanatation needed, just wanted yo to know that the lakiness jes doan seem to go.