Author Topic: Stunned and Speechless  (Read 828 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline cafeRg

  • Smoke & Mirrors
  • Cat in a Hat
  • **
  • Posts: 5467
  • tap this
    • BZoO Radio WorldWide
Stunned and Speechless
« on: April 15, 2012, 12:25 PM »

Through the gray swinging doors
the smoke a ship wreck fog.
the barmaid, dressed in tight jeans,
announces, your pheromones precede
you. I smile as she gives me my usual.

Wayne a gentle hulk, I have his drink
then ask me about his ex wife, an interior
decorator, working on my center st
office. Did you contract Rita to do your
bedroom to? stunned and speechless.


Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline Kay

  • Serene
  • Paragon
  • *
  • Posts: 5106
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2012, 05:17 PM »
Rg,

While I get what this poem is trying to say, I can't wrap my mind
around it being something that would stun someone to this degree
unless I'm missing something.

If this were my poem, I'd put in a stanza and describe that bedroom,
after all I'm sure inquiring minds want to know. Stun us, make up speechless.

 :rose




Through the gray swinging doors
the smoke a ship wreck fog.>>>>>>>>>I'd give this a verb, otherwise,it's
not really a complete sentence, like maybe the smoke comes through the grey doors
like a shipwrecked fog"

the barmaid, dressed in tight jeans
announces, your pheromones precede
you. I smile as she gives me my usual.>>>>>>>>kind of boring, how about
as she slams down a whiskey and shot glass, as usual >>>>>>>again, think verb

Wayne a gentle hulk, I have his drink>>>>>>>>>ok, by now I know a man wrote
this poem and so I'm having a hard time thinking of a man calling another man gentle,
could just be me! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
then ask me about his ex wife, an interior
decorator, working on my center st
office. Did you contract Rita to do your
bedroom to?>>>>>>>>>>(too)

 stunned and speechless.>>>>>>>>>>>and this is the title,
so you really don't need to repeat it.

Offline cafeRg

  • Smoke & Mirrors
  • Cat in a Hat
  • **
  • Posts: 5467
  • tap this
    • BZoO Radio WorldWide
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2012, 09:45 AM »
Hi Kay

Thanks for helping me. I came through the swinging doors. That's not clear? I made subtle change to the ..the smoke.. the first stanza sets up the neighborhood bar I would  frequent. The barmaid was always pleasant and jovial. She would never slam a served drink.

In the second stanza ..I have no masculine problem with calling another man gentle. It describes Wayne well, he is both gentle and muscular. The poem isn't about a bedroom affair, so much as ..it's about a bar and a friend finding out I did his ex. That part never really happen ..lol.. but to a man, a friend don't do a friends ex ..you would have been speechless too. His question was kinda like ..should I pop you now or later (symbolically) ..lol..


Through the gray swinging doors
the smoke, a shipwrecked fog.
the barmaid, dressed in tight jeans,
announces, your pheromones precede
you. I smile as she gives me my usual.

Wayne a gentle hulk, I have his drink
then ask me about his ex wife, an interior
decorator, working on my center st
office. Did you contract Rita to do your
bedroom too? Stunned and speechless.
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline Kay

  • Serene
  • Paragon
  • *
  • Posts: 5106
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2012, 11:58 AM »
Great! Sounds you have it all done.  :rose

Offline illiterati

  • Willows
  • *
  • Posts: 560
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2012, 01:05 PM »
Rg - I'm still having the same problem that Kay originally had:

but also:

Wayne[,] a gentle hulk[.] I have his[?] drink
then ask[?] me[? - he has his drink then asks me?]

As to this issue with the punchline, the innuendo with doing the bedroom isn't quite overt enough for me. again, stunned and speechless falls a little bit flat. what about something like, "did she decorate / your interior too?" or "did you decorate her / interior too?"

also, wondering if maybe this is a show don't tell sort of issue, where maybe "stunned and speechless" would be better as a description of facial expressions or body language or something.

Offline cafeRg

  • Smoke & Mirrors
  • Cat in a Hat
  • **
  • Posts: 5467
  • tap this
    • BZoO Radio WorldWide
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2012, 03:03 PM »
Ok let's work from  here. the first stanza seemed to come out ok but the 2nd stanza is still a little loose. I also retitled.


revision 2

The Interior Decorator

Walking through the gray swinging doors
the air filled with smoke,  reminescing of a
shipwrecked fog. The barmaid, dressed in
tight jeans, announces, your pheromones
precede you, Rg. I smile as she slides me
my usual, whiskey over rocks. Motioning for
her to lean over. I whisper in her ear, you
smell absolutely inticing and kiss her cheek.

Wayne, a burly man, Let me buy his drink
then he asks me about his ex wife, an
interior decorator, working on my Center
St office. Did you contract Rita to decorate
your bedroom interior too?  Like a nuclear
boom I was stunned speechless.
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline Kay

  • Serene
  • Paragon
  • *
  • Posts: 5106
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2012, 03:43 PM »
This is very nicely a little more descriptive. I like this a lot.
It's hard sometimes to offer something when the reader doesn't know the actual personalities and some poems are fiction. I really like the revision.


 :comfort






Ok let's work from  here. the first stanza seemed to come out ok but the 2nd stanza is still a little loose. I also retitled.


revision 2

The Interior Decorator

Walking through the gray swinging doors
the air filled with smoke,  reminescing of a
shipwrecked fog. The barmaid, dressed in
tight jeans, announces, your pheromones
precede you, Rg. I smile as she slides me
my usual, whiskey over rocks. Motioning for
her to lean over. I whisper in her ear, you
smell absolutely inticing and kiss her cheek.

Wayne, a burly man, Let me buy his drink
then he asks me about his ex wife, an
interior decorator, working on my Center
St office. Did you contract Rita to decorate
your bedroom interior too?  Like a nuclear
boom I was stunned speechless.

Offline illiterati

  • Willows
  • *
  • Posts: 560
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2012, 03:57 PM »
second stanza = definite improvement

Offline cafeRg

  • Smoke & Mirrors
  • Cat in a Hat
  • **
  • Posts: 5467
  • tap this
    • BZoO Radio WorldWide
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2012, 04:04 PM »
Hi Kay

I was going to say on a previous post ..a poem is never done  :poet Thanks for this encouragement. Seems my muse is fighting me.


itterati

What about the first stanza?
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline illiterati

  • Willows
  • *
  • Posts: 560
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2012, 04:11 PM »
yes i also like the changes in the first (except for the addition of "rg")

definitely moving in the right direction

Offline Halo

  • Senior Alley Hostess
  • *
  • Posts: 1985
  • who finds a faithful friend finds a treasure
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2012, 11:17 PM »
Oooookay Rg, just remember you asked for this  :tongue and I got the PM to prove it...

Quote
revision 2

The Interior Decorator

Walking through the gray swinging doors
the air filled with smoke, reminescing reminiscent of a
shipwrecked fog. The barmaid, dressed in
tight jeans, announces, your pheromones
precede you, Rg. I smile as she slides me
my usual, whiskey over rocks. Motioning for
her to lean over. I whisper in her ear, you
smell absolutely enticing  and kiss her cheek.

Wayne, a burly man, Llet me buy his drink.
Then he asks me about his ex wife, an
interior decorator, working on my Center
St office. Did you contract Rita to decorate
your bedroom interior too?  Like a nuclear
boom
I was stunned speechless.

I think Like a nuclear boom is superfluous.

  have a VB  *beer* on me sir cat in the hat  wink*
Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.  ~  Ira Gassen

Offline illiterati

  • Willows
  • *
  • Posts: 560
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2012, 11:48 PM »
you know, on reflection i think "gentle hulk" worked better

Offline cafeRg

  • Smoke & Mirrors
  • Cat in a Hat
  • **
  • Posts: 5467
  • tap this
    • BZoO Radio WorldWide
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2012, 10:09 AM »

How about something like this..


revision 3

The Interior Decorator

Walking through the gray swinging doors
the air filled with smoke,  reminiscent of a
shipwrecked fog. The barmaid, dressed in
tight jeans, announces, your pheromones
precede you. I smile as she slides me
my usual, whiskey over rocks. Motioning for
her to lean over. I whisper in her ear, you
smell absolutely enticing and kiss her cheek.

Wayne, a gentle hulk, Let me buy his drink
then he asks me about his ex wife, an
interior decorator, working on my Center
St office. Did you contract Joyce to decorate
your bedroom interior too? I was stunned
speechless, thinking how does he know that?

24 Hours Earlier

A single candle flame glimmered to her rhythmic
movement, as seen by the shadows on the wall.
Groping; charges of utopia consumed our lusty
bodies. Collapsing like a feather. Cuddling with
candied kisses.

Getting dressed, she pulls her tanned silky
stockings up curvy legs pointing to the
heavens. Her white designer dress falls slowly
covering a petite voluptuous body. As she walks
toward my bedroom door, turns, in a soft voice,
I'll have to come back this weekend. Blows me
a kiss, looks at my drabby walls and says,
maybe something Eros.
Disclaimer: cafeRg could be wrong.

Offline champagne_shoes

  • Paragon
  • *
  • Posts: 1943
  • Subterranean Hotel Resident
Re: Stunned and Speechless
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2012, 03:05 PM »
I appreciate what has not been said, but stunned and speechless is melodramatic.

why
not
tone
it
down
a
tad?

Hey You, btw: Are any parts of Kentucky still woefully dry? If so, oh my, the seed of a Peckinpah Poem
.
.
.



"A community of poets is like a community of cats." joey