letmemoveyou,
Line breaks and the intentional absence of punctuation do not make a prose short story into a poem. You have presented a character study, but though there are figures of speech here and there, again, those alone do not make prose writing a poem.
One of the reasons that punctuation should be valued is revealed in L3-L4. Without commas and periods, it could be the soft-peddling plebe who is leaving puddles of people in her wake. Move down a couple more lines to L7. The way the structure tracks without punctuation allows for the interpretation that the hall mysteriously melted in the flicker of light, or that being melted by the flicker of light made the hall cavernous.
Word usage can be too clever. Writers, including me, too often get caught up in how clever a phrase or a word sounds, or looks to him/her, without considering whether it makes any sense. The very first line reveals errant thinking. It might seem clever to make an adverb out of an adjective, but it reads like ignorance instead of creativity. "some soft-pedalling plebe" certainly gets some alliteration going, but there is no clue as to what the plebe is soft-peddling, why the plebe is described that way. "mysteriously melting" is just as errant. How does one mysteriously melt in the flicker of light. It could barely work if you wrote, "by" the flicker of light. The creation of "tormenting tempest....travertine tile" must have made you smile, but this reader sees it more as flaunting alliteration for its own sake rather than advancing the storyline.
S3 gives one the same impression. The reader hasn't head the hearsay, so nothing concrete establishes the harpy nature, but the reader is merely told that she is a harpy, because the author is reveling in the "h" sound, not the development of the character.
Other phrases that are too clever for their own good: ninja like reflexes, lunging for a letter opener (In the boardroom?), pith of her prey, wielding any weapon at hand (and including "bodies" in that list), rewarded with a rare rattling (she might have been rattled, but I'd like to know what the challenger heard that was rattling), leered lasciviously (So, she is encouraging a sexual encounter?) from intrepid to obliterated I moved...(Exactly how does one who is obliterated move at all?), as a casualty with a smile so sinister sweet (As mentioned earlier, you forsook sense for the cleverness of assonance and consonance, because here one does not know whether the casualty or the challenger will wear the sinister smile.)
Enough. Reading the poem reveals fascination with assonance and consonance, but it lacks sequential logic and this is caused by the absence of punctuation and capitalization, as well as the improper placement of circumstantial clauses. The assonance and consonance is well done, for its own sake. However, no poetic should ever be used for its own sake. Overall, it makes the read overly melodramatic, reducing the hoped for tension, eliminating any ambiance of threat; it all sounds so silly.
Now, if that was your goal, to demonstrate the breadth and depth of your vocabulary and your ability to overwhelm the reader with assonance and consonance, well played. But showing off does not sell a poem. It diminishes it. I'd still suggest a revision that incorporates the standard elements of English grammar, reduces the amount of alliteration, and seeks to expand on abstract descriptions.
Keep writing,
Bill
