Topic: White Feather

[letmemoveyou]

I liked your first daraft... but the honed version echoes with an emptiness that I found both sorrowful and moving. I can see why you would feel it depressing... but sometimes your need to feel emptiness to appreciate when life is full. : )

[cy street]

lady witt, when my eyes first glanced this poem, my jaw shook and my eyes crossed.  no punctuation?  no caps?  except the pronoun "I"?  why "I"?  why not democratize the whole poem and lower the "I"?  with that said, i prefer the original to the re-write.  the abandonment described, the indifference or submission to the inevitable (same thing) is palpable.  i especially love the juxtaposition of the chill of the window pane and the warmth of the scotch.  but you knew that already.  any mention of the spirits and my glass raises itself.

hope you are well,
thanks for always taking the time to read and share,
SWAK,
bish

[witt]

Thanks, cy guy. I don't know where to go with this now. The original isn't quite right, but evidently the revision isn't fulfulling either.

Hmmm. How long have I known you, cy? Do you think I'll ever use the lower case I ?

[witt]

Here's another revision.


Better?

Worse??


an icy mist wisps around a cardinal
scratching through empty hulls
I watch it searching
nothing's there

nothing's here

I haven't stepped outside
in four months
to fill his feeder
to fill my larder
to fill my senses

condensation blurs the wintry world
I run my fingernail through
the frost on the pane
frozen crystals gather like a white feather

I salute the bird with my standard of cowardice
then touch its blandness to my tongue

I turn from the window
I'm out of scotch.

[PSM]

Dear Witt,

I haven't spent anytime with your original version.
I first read the revision first; so, I'm not going to read the original.

With that said, this piece is quite haunting with it's imagery.
There's something sinister lurking within your words.

I'm quite taken with it.

Take care,

Paul

[letmemoveyou]

Had I read this first, I would still have loved it. That being said, I actually preferred the last version... this one, to me, felt like grasping for more and leaving me with less. I'm sorry... can't describe it better than that.

[witt]

I was trying to explain the "white feather" without telling.

[letmemoveyou]

I  like the addition of "icy wips mists." I really do love the wistful nature of this poem - it's very powerful. I felt the cowardice before you said it.

I think the line that, to me, doesn't quite fit as is, is the "then touch its blandness to my tongue." When I first read it, I read it as the bird because of the flow... but I knew you must have meant the window pane.

I think this poem is almost perfect. But it doesn't matter what I think... how do you fell about the changes?

I feel so awkward commenting on other's writing when I have so much to learn from them.

[7]

Dear Witt

I would not change a word or placing of:

condensation turns into frost
the blurred gray world
cold and dense
a cardinal scratches through empty hulls
searching for a fueling morsel
there's nothing there
I haven't stepped outside
in four months
to fill the feeder
to fill my senses
to fill my larder
I run my fingernail through
the hoar on the pane
touch it to my tongue
     bland
I turn from the window
I'm out of scotch



I applaud you—
and anyone else who has the sand to open up, and bleed out, like you have here.
Imperfections and room for improvement, maybe, but at what cost?

 

'It Might Get Loud': Jack White's favorite song

"It's not about being perfect, it's not about sounding absolutely correct. It's about what goes on in here [pointing to his heart] and what goes on in here [pointing to his head]"  —Dave Grohl, from the band The Foo Fighters

[witt]

Thanks, letmemoveyou. Don't feel bad about making comments. That's what the AX is for.




Thanks, 7. That means a lot coming from you. I definitely appreciate your words and the quote.


I'll keep working on this.

[7]

I'll keep working on this.

if you feel you must, by all means, after all it is your piece
but, again, and it is just my opinion, I think the original works as is

either way, I appreciate your willingness to explore new territory

[WordFaery]

I liked the first draft better although I will agree with Bill's take on the title.  I was expecting something Native American.


I also know exactly what you mean about being a caregiver and being kept from writing.


WF

[witt]

Thanks, 7. I guess you're right. The more I fiddle with it, the worse it gets.


I chose the title "White Feather" because that's the symbol of cowardice. I didn't want to have to "tell." I wanted to just "show," but I wasn't sure if the meaning was coming across.


 

[cafeRg]

Here comes my brilliant observations. You know what they say, when the student is ready the teacher will come.

First being a chicken dancer you would know better,
but I have never noticed a bird scratching they peck.
Also there's red cardinals and brown ones, which is yours?

A full blooded cherokee chief told me, if I gathered 3 tail feathers of a male cardinal and waved them three times to the sky. I would receive money. I asked, how do I catch a cardinal? He said, you shoot him.



standing at my window pane
cold, dense and blurred

a red cardinal hungry
searches through
empty hulls
for a tasty morsel

nothing's there

I haven't stepped outside
in four months

to fill his feeder
to fill my larder
to fill my senses

fingernails scratch the
white feathered frost
frozen crystals gather
a kiss
tasting its icy blandness

my glass rattles empty
turning from the window
I'm out of scotch