Topic: untittled

[dublinsteve]

On that night I was caught in the dark
in a meadow. Not far was the tree line
from which I emerged. The sky carbon,
the moon matte black. It was there I heard
the winging of a great bird, likely an owl,
as it fell, looped and threaded the needle�s
eye of fluorescent sycamore branches.
Clouds opened and shadows returned.
The tree line spread north and south.
It seemed wise to follow the moon, now
full and rusted like the shack's tin roof.

[witt]

Wonderful imagery, but something is lacking. Perhaps a gist, some substance, a point?

[dublinsteve]

Exactly, just some randomness that I came across while cleaning the word docs.  Not sure where I want it to lead, so figured I would go shopping for some ideas.

[Bill]

dublinsteve,

"that night", whatever that night was, is the key.  Why were you out on "that night."  Probe yourself for the reason why "that" night was so different from any other night.  Had you not been out on that night, none of the rest would have been experienced.

Bill

[Mojave]

D Steve---

got my attention.  good job, but  Witt makes an excellent point...to focus the poem a bit more.

---a boy watches as his father leaves the family for good?

---a girl he was expecting doesn't show...

---he touches a revolver in his waistband, thinks about a rich farmer who lives alone...

you see several of my thoughts.


if you want to stay with the very good atmospherics here, fine.  however, i  would sharpen the narative:



On that night I was caught in the dark
in a meadow.


no need for two in the in the first sentence.


Not far was the tree line
from which I emerged.


I emerged from the nearby tree line.....This is a day that's beautiful as well,
and warm and clear. At seven o'clock I saw
the dogs being walked along the famous beach
as usual, in a shiny gray-green dawn,
leaving their paw prints draining in the wet.
The line of breakers was steady and the pinkish,
segmented rainbow steadily hung above it.
At eight two little boys were flying kites.





 
mojave
   

[dublinsteve]

B and M, sagely words from both of you.  I believe this will lead to something and based on what each has offered, the direction is clearer.   Appreciated!

[champagne_shoes]

Does you title bear the burden of an x-tra t?

[dublinsteve]

'deed it does, however, I put it here knowing it was in need of a feminine touch, therefore...

[Mojave]

DS---

that's it.  a much more complete story that retains the driving, haunting imagery.

i very much liked these two lines:

It seemed wise to follow the moon, now
full and rusted like the shack's tin roof.


do you need the repeat here:

On that night I was caught in the dark
in a meadow.


also, does the meadow have a value to the poem?  if not, i would delete it.

eliminating one use of tree line makes the eventual use more effective, i think.


I was caught in the dark.
The sky carbon,

[champagne_shoes]

I dislike the tittle. I find it cloying and coy.

[dublinsteve]

I will consider myself on notice, hereforth, and shall refrain from future obnoxious indiscretions. I will be persona non coyata

[Kay]

Steve,

A very good poem.  For my ears, this line seemed forced:

Not far was the tree line
from which I emerged.

I'm not sure why. It just doesn't sound like something someone would say.

I emerged from the tree line, close by.

maybe it's the passive voice that stands out or maybe there's nothing wrong with that line at all and its just my ear.

anyway, I enjoyed the read.

[dublinsteve]

Thanks, Kay. Your ticklers are always appreciated. Hope all is well with you. Been a long while!

[Kay]

Thanks, Steve, been around the block a time or two......of late.