Topic: My Mother Lies Dying

[witt]

I had written a poem for the Ecphrasis section back in August. I had totally forgotten about it until daisy came in and made a comment. I decided to see if I could expand this piece. I had written the original while I was at my mother's taking care of her before she died.



Mother lies dying in the next room
Memory-shadows cast by the moon
Reveal the hidden sins
My life had always been
Pearls and thornless roses
Protected and pedestaled
Drowned in champagne bubbles
Even though I am
Draped in diamonds
My flesh feels cold as snowflakes.

Mother lies dying in the next room
My soul is a frigid sapphire
What good did money do me?
My arms long for summer heat
I need to feel
Arouse some sympathy
Wash me in your brine
Rinse me in your blood
I yearn for sunshine
And passion's poverty.

[A-FRIEND]

That is full of passion, my dear Witt. It tells the story of how unnatural death is. The lost of a loved one leaves much pain in its wake. I wrote a similar poem as I watched my dad die back in 1999, and I can tell you it helped in the healing process. I hope this poem helps you as well.

As we grieve it helps to know that we are not alone. There is a promise from God that tells us His will is for mankind to live happy and without pain. Rev. 21:4..."And God will wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things have passed away."
The 5Th verse says, "these words are faithful and true."

Take heart in those words, dear Witt. Even in our grief, the 'One who comforts all" is with us. 2Corinthians 1:4

[Bill]

witt,

I've come to the conclusion that punctuation is a necessary tool in structuring a poem that includes complete sentences and  circumstantial clauses.  Without those markers, some confusion is bound to arise.    Line breaks alone are not sufficient to provide clarity.

For example, look at S1, L2-4.  Are these lines stating that the memory shadows cast by the moon reveal the hidden sins that your life has always been?  Is it merely stating that memory shadows cast by the moon (only) reveal the hidden sins?

For a second example,  look at S1, L4-10.  Are these lines stating that your life had always been pearls and thornless roses...drowned in champagne bubbles even though (you are) draped in diamonds, or are there two specific thoughts there, one that ends at "champagne bubbles," another that begins at, "Even though I am..."  Without commas and periods, the thoughts run together, and the reader is given no discernible way to separate them and appreciate each on its own merits.

Last but not least example, look at S2, L5-6.  Are they stating that (you) need to feel again, or that (you) need to feel, that is (you) need to arouse some sympathy?  Is L6 meant to be appostitive to L5?  You know.  How is the reader supposed to know?

Since you include question marks to draw a distinction between these kind of thought as opposed to that kind of thought, consider including the other markers as well.  No one thinks about the quality of the nails that hold a house's frame together, but every buyer sure hopes that nails were used.  So, in poetry, some might argue that punctuation marks inhibit a poem's flow.  I would counter that, quite often, they advance a poem's clarity.

Thanks for sharing.  Keep writing.
Bill

[witt]

Thank you, Earl, for your comforting words.


Bill, what punctuation marks do you suggest that I use? Dashes? Semicolons?


I guess by my being so close to the poem, I don't see the confusion.

[witt]

I couldn't figure out which punctuation marks to use, so I changed a few things and tried line-breaks.


Mother lies dying in the next room
Memory-shadows cast by the moon
Reveal the hidden sins
My life had always been

I was always protected and pedestaled
Given pearls and thornless roses
Drowned in champagne bubbles
Even though I am draped in diamonds
My flesh feels cold as snowflakes

Mother lies dying in the next room
My soul is a frigid sapphire
My arms long for summer heat
I need to feel

Arouse in me some sympathy
Wash me in your brine
Rinse me in your blood
I yearn for sunshine
And passion's poverty.


Does this help?

[Bill]

witt,

The spacing helps a bit.  Let me show you what I mean.


Mother lies dying in the next room  (This reads like a complete sentence.  A period should be placed after "room.")
Memory-shadows cast by the moon (This reads like a compound subject.  Well and good.)
Reveal the hidden sins  (This reads like the verb and predicate that go with L1.  There should be a period after "sins.")
My life had always been  (This reads like the beginning of a new sentence.  The option that it is connected to S2 is there, though, because it is not distanced from S2 by any punctuation mark.  To me, it looks like the beginning of a sentence that continues through what is now S2, L1-3.  If that is true, then the line break should be after "sins."  And this line should be moved down to join the three circumstantial predicates that follow it.)

Pearls and thornless roses  (This reads like a continuation of, "My life had always been."  If it is, and if the two lines that follow also are circumstantial predicates, then there should be a comma after "pedestaled," and a period after "bubbles."
Protected and pedestaled
Drowned in champagne bubbles
Even though I am  This reads like a circumstantial clause beginning a sentence in combination with the next two lines.) 
Draped in diamonds  (If my evaluation of the preceding line is accurate, then there should be a comma after "diamonds.")
My flesh feels cold as snowflakes.  (As indicated by the period, this is the end of the sentence. )

Mother lies dying in the next room  (As its twin above, this sets the state for your ruminations. If meant to be a lead sentence, there should be a period after "room.")
My soul is a frigid sapphire    (This is a simple sentence.  There should be a period after "sapphire."
What good did money do me?  (If you felt it was important to use punctuation here, even though you led with an interrogative, then it should be just as important to use punctuation everywhere.  In for a penny, in for a pound.)
My arms long for summer heat  (Again, a simple sentence should end with a period.  My only issue with this line is that it sounds like a longing for the healing process and that is theme of the next stanza.  If it is and belongs there, I'd move it down to precede, "I need to feel.")

I need to feel  (This is another simple sentence and a period would indicate that.  If that was your intent, place a period after "feel."  However, if this is a lead in to, "Arouse some sympathy," that is, that arousing some sympathy is what you need to do to "feel," then a comma should be placed after, "feel," and a period needs to be placed after "sympathy." 
Arouse some sympathy  This line could be circumstantial to L1 or indicative of how sympathy is to be aroused, that is, by being washed in brine.  Which is it?  If associated with L1, see the comment above.  If to be associated with L3, then a semi-colon indicates that relationship.  The other option is that it is the beginning of a list of three ways that could make you feel again.  If so, then a semicolon after feel and commas after item one and two, and a period after item three.
Wash me in your brine  (If, again, associated with how to arouse sympathy, then see above comment.  If meant as a stand alone imperitive, then a period should follow 'brine."  If associated with L2, then a comma after "brine.")
Rinse me in your blood  (See above comment.  If stand alone, a period.  If associated with the preceding, still a period should follow "blood."
I yearn for sunshine  (The last two lines are clearly a separate issue from what preceded.  If you are going to use line breaks to indicate a new thought, then break after, "blood.")
And passion's poverty.

Line breaks could serve the purpose, if it were not possible for a given phrase to be associated with a preceding or subsequent phrase, and in that association confuse the reader or inaccurately communicate what it is your are trying to state.  Appropriate punctuation leaves no doubt, and, contrary to trendy opinions, does not negatively impact on the flow or pace.  That is more a matter of rhythm, of meter.  That is a whole different topic.

Keep writing.

Bill

[witt]

Thanks, Bill, for all the work you did on this. You put a lot of effort into your explanation. I will have to copy it and study upon it! I'll work on my "nails."

[Kay]

Witt,

I didn't give this an extensive line by line because you've already received so much.
Also lately when I try to do that, honeslty? I feel as if I can't even breathe and forget what I read.
Almost like the poem has been varnished to death. I don't want to do that.

I only have one suggestion and it's one that hit me srraight off.

I feel this poem needs to go with

my mother

instead of mother.

I say that because for me  anyway, it connects the two people in a very personal way.
It's not necessary, true, to get the point across but it evoked a feeling in me

My mother lies

mother lies seems more impersonal, as if you were filling out a report.

my mother lies.......

excellent poem.


Either way you choose,  so glad to have read this today.

[witt]

This may be hard to explain. I guess it's sort of an inside joke to myself. I always called my mother "Mama." She was an elegant lady, unlike me. She wanted to be called "Mother." As she was dying this summer, I thought about her wanting to be called Mother, so I gave her the respect in this poem. Too little, too late!

[Kay]

Witt,

oh, then definitely its already personal for you! That makes all the difference in the world.

It is these details that make me glad I said something because now I learn more and can read it
from that perspective also. Thanks!

[daisyxo]

A very touching poem Witt.  I have no critique to offer since a couple of the others have done a good job of that.  It seems such a short time ago that I lost my dad - coming up on 4 years.  He was Daddy when I was a child - but I began calling him Dad as I became a teenager and he became overly protective.  On his death-bed I called him Daddy.  Anyway, may those who loved us and have left us, rest in peace, free of disease and pain.  I love your poem - can feel the personal aspect of it, can relate, and the only thing I have to offer here is a hug.

[witt]

Thanks, daisy. I'll take that hug!!

[Halo]

Dear witt, I've read this piece a number of times and each time these lines

Arouse some sympathy
Wash me in your brine
Rinse me in your blood
I yearn for sunshine
And passion's poverty.

finish with passion, real passion.

The loss of a mother is an emotional upheaval. How fortunate that you write to get those emotions out. I do hope you're finding
your way though all the changes and loss you've had recently. Hugs B

[witt]

Thank you, halo. I appreciate that.