Author Topic: and when we saturday  (Read 6279 times)

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Offline cy street

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and when we saturday
« on: May 04, 2011, 04:22 AM »
and when we saturday (is this it)


for now
take my word for it

there was an evening
an offshore full of clouds
meyer lemons
tasted like sirens

hide under your bed

the milky way was edible
the smoke in the fire was legible

when the text messages started
we responded
we know

it's difficult being ahead
the edge of the next chapter
what native south americans
call
god's skin

so

good evening
would you like a glass of muddled sage
serrano
coconut milk
and rum

helicopters came
cameras took their place
and you asked

could we do vegas before blanco

i said yes

yes
i will pull some pull
and when we saturday
could we
clear the runway

please

please

tell them it wasn't personal
just sleeping arrangements

there are seven beds
22 guests

no worries
we have firewood
and
i am bringing star watching programs
software

yes
we can pour that





now was always better than then

Offline Bill

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2011, 09:58 AM »
cy,

To be brief and to the point, one read and I've read enough.

I don't even feel like commenting.

Due to the nature of your style, personal snippets from your daily experience of life may prove interesting to family, friends, wife, even acquaintences who participated in the fuller context from which these were drawn.

They might even have some appeal as curiousities to those who want to try to figure out the reference points, as well as indicators of a broad range of experience in cuisine and wine that they themselves have not experienced.

To tell the truth, I don't know what the appeal is and I wish that some of those 78 readers who preceded me would let me know,  because it strikes me that your work has magnetic appeal for a large crowd of anonymous visitors.

So, get them to sign up, or if they are already members, get them to post their reasons for enjoying what you write and how you write it.

For me, it is a journal entry.

Regards,
Bill

Offline WordFaery

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2011, 11:13 PM »
Bill,

I skim cy's stuff for interesting word choices, i.e. "an offshore full of clouds."   I don't go any deeper than that.  It hurts my head.


cy,

Stop hurting my head.


WF
 
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

Offline Bill

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2011, 01:03 AM »
WF,

Thanks for your input.

Regards,
Bill

Offline cy street

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2011, 04:27 AM »
bill, if i don't feel like doing something, then i don't do it.

WF, if my words hurt your head, then the cure is simple.

peace,
cy bish port street
now was always better than then

Offline elise

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2011, 03:59 PM »
Whenever I read anything you write, Cy, I always read it with your voice in my head,
Because of your previous U-tube delivery of that piece where a friend accompanied you,
I always hear you in your work.  Because of that, I think I "mostly" get it.  Whatever
the case, I enjoy your vision.

It made me smile to read, "It's difficult being ahead" because I do see you as "ahead".
You are ahead on a path where I traveled, but I have chosen a different fork.
Your path, for me, is a great place to visit.  I am certain you did not mean it the way I see it!

I am certainly not qualified to critique this. I just sat back and enjoyed it.

Keep it Cy, and keep it fun.
-elise
I felt it shelter to speak to you  ~Emily Dickinson

Offline Bill

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2011, 06:10 PM »
elise,

Thanks for your input.

With all sincerity and out of respect for your own ability, I ask you to expand on what you mean by stating that cy is "ahead."  Ahead of what?  Ahead of the cutting edge of the evolving artistry of poetry?  Beyond the reach of an everyman's desire to understand his poetry?  Above the need to explain how he creates what he creates, because doing so negates the desired spontaneity of impact on the reader, channeling rather than exploding reaction?

I have heard that such is the nature of genius in many fields, from art to science to philosophy.  Someone once told me regarding his own expertise in astro physics,  "When you begin to understand that you do not understand, then you understand."  Is this the position that I occupy over against cy's creativity?

cy,

you are the epitome of an "art"ful dodger.   You make me smile, now and then, because you remind me of an acquaintence from my California years, Mr. H.C. Jones.   We ran into each other in Santa Maria, when it was the last great undiscovered valley on the Central Coast.  It is my sincere desire to find Mr. Jones, though I suspect that the nature of his business precludes fulfillment of the same.  The last clue to his existence was to find a certain bar, ask a certain bartender, and if he felt you were suitable as a guest, he would give you directions.  I never got another clue from the bartender, either.

Regards,
Bill

Ps.  I believe I have arrived at an impasse, the proverbial dead end.  So, in the future, I will refrain from posting commentary in reply to your posts.  Besides you put up impressive numbers.  New or returning visits, who knows?  But certainly, beneficial to the health of TRAP that so many are drawn to your work so often.

So, cy, keep writing.

Offline cy street

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2011, 09:11 PM »
B, I can only speak for myself.  I refrain from speaking for others.  If it's any conciliation, I agree with you that my poems are my journal, as much as Basquiat's panels or Bansky's street instillations tell the stories of their lives, one past, one present.  My art is a reflection/abstraction (Thanks Emerson) of my life and it pleases me when it is observed as such, good, bad or otherwise.  I cannot explain how an eyass decides to leap from the nest for the first time, anymore than I can describe the thoughts of a woman letting go of her virginity.  I find plenty in my life to color my canvass, and will leave other colors to those who know them better, found in their blood/DNA.

Cheers,
cy bish 
now was always better than then

Offline Bill

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2011, 05:49 PM »
cy,

(Anyone else reading this...I know, I know.  I said I wouldn't, but it itches.)

Look, it is not about what inspires you and how you put it down on paper with pen or on keyboard with strokes.  It is about the use of this forum for critical commentary. 

So, the question, as raised before, I raise again.  Do you post here because you feel the presentation in words of any given poem of yours needs to be refined, needs to be edited, needs to be whatever word you want to use to indicate that you are not convinced it is in its best form, either in respect to word selection, line breaks, or other matters?

If yes, then I will still try to attack your posts with an eye towards honing them in keeping with your personal philosophy.

However, if you are convinced that what you post is as good as it will get, then why not just put them in the showcase?  They can be read and appreciated there as well as here, but no one will look at them with an eye towards helping you mprove the verbal presentation of your life's experience.

Regards,
Bill

Sp  (Ok.  There!  (Fingers crossed and *chuckling.)

Dp   ((I'm still waiting for those tens of readers who have checked in to check out this piece to explain their like or dislike of it.  I'm only five of the "hits".  WF maybe two.  Where are you 240 some odd others.  Ok, let's divide that by ten, for the sake of a groupie base.  Where are you other 24?  *still chuckling.))

Offline cy street

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2011, 05:45 PM »
B, my work has never been referred to as "a verbal presentation of my life experience," but you might be on to something.  I hope that this is meant as a compliment and not what my wife refers to as a compli-sault. 

In any case, I also hope that my life, work and the interaction of the two are received sincerely.  While some or many might not find either compelling, which is expected, I am not amused by the quips of some regarding my life choices.  My word choices are free game, that's why I am here. 

My approach to this forum from the day I arrived is to read and write poetry, not to critique the politics, POV or lifestyle of others.  I only ask the same of the community and guests in return.  Thankfully, I have come to know some in the community more than others and have socialized with a few, blessings all.  The core of my life is knotted with relationships and from experience I know the longer they last the more fulfilling and more challenging they become.  Few in my life have drifted and those that have still dwell in my heart.

As it goes with the reason I prefer the AX, I would direct you to the welcome mat:

"The Poetic AX is just that - the AX. If poetry is more than a passing fancy, if you lust after the lofty goal of publication, or merely want to produce the best work that you can, then come on in and meet the citizens of the AX. We are skilled with the woodsman's ax, don't pat backs often, but we are always courteous!"

I think my presence abides by these guidelines and most likely colors outside them from time to time.  Believe it or not, I am human too.  No matter the head scratching and tit for tatting, I appreciate you and all who take the time to engage my ink.  I especially appreciate all who dare to post anywhere in this outpost of dreams, nightmares and accidental musings.

Once more, I will leave it up to you and the rest to decide what to do with your ink and ask you to afford me the same.

Peace,
Street
now was always better than then

Offline cy street

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2011, 05:53 PM »
Elise, thank you for sharing your headspace.  I imagine your prong of the fork is covered this time of year with wildflowers, raindrops and chicks chirping for the next worm, dragonfly.  As far as being "ahead" goes, I was that day by three hours, which meant, I had to pick everyone up at the airport when they arrived.  As always, everything is something else.
Street
now was always better than then

Offline Mojave

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2011, 12:53 PM »
Cy---

very interesting exchange in the crit thread.  (Bill, we need you---Cy needs you even more.)


technique rarely interests me---if you write a great  poem in german, then we have a great poem---but a lousy poem is never salvaged by a trendy method or some idiosyncratic technique.

that's why i pick and select among your lines---here are ones i like very much:


 

and when we saturday

for now
take my word for it

there was an evening
an offshore full of clouds
meyer lemons



this, far less:

tasted like sirens

hide under your bed

the milky way was edible
the smoke in the fire was legible



borders on cliche.


and this series of lines is just, well, boring:






food usually works for you, but not here:



good evening
would you like a glass of muddled sage
serrano
coconut milk
and rum


you  know where that good evening comes from---when it radiates from 2 time pulitzer winner ashbery to hass-----I AM YOUR WAITER TONIGHT AND MY NAME IS DMITRI

and let's face it, these lines just drag and drop:

helicopters came
cameras took their place
and you asked

could we do vegas before blanco

i said yes

yes
i will pull some pull
and when we saturday
could we
clear the runway

please

please

tell them it wasn't personal
just sleeping arrangements

there are seven beds
22 guests

no worries
we have firewood
and
i am bringing star watching programs
software

yes



nice end, action and gentle ambiguity.  we can serve that, but the poet at work here finds an original way to say it. 


we can pour that

by the way, why is this ibpc site not nominating candidates each month for the big dance?  maybe you are, but just asking.


bernie


 
Mojave

Night lowers its jewelblue wing
---Sarah Jane Sloat

Offline Bill

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2011, 11:20 PM »
cy,

We've cleared the air and I've gained a deeper understanding of how your mind functions relative to how you compose your poetry.  For that, I thank you.  From this point on, I will restrict my posts to critique which seeks to advance that mindset's presentation, with no intention of insulting the mind behind the poetry.

mojave,

No one is more needed than the last person to sign on as a member, or than all the current members investing their time in posting poems, commentaries, critiques.  Quick minds directing ink or key strokes, open minds willing to hear without becoming agrieved, constructive minds who want to help build something, rather than just burn it to the ground.

To that end, I am convinced that the more one writes, the better one becomes at writing.  I have been convinced by others that the more one critiques, the better equipped one becomes to construct his own work his own way in a fashion that may engage the interest and emotion of readers.

And cy does not need me.  He has found himself and is happy with what he has found.  I just need cy to be straighforward in what he wants from us.  Post here, and you are saying, "Help me improve this poem.  I am not sure it is a finished piece."  If that is not the request, post elsewhere, and the reader will find you and the commentary will be more encouraging.

So,

wrapped in muslin sheath
caterpillar awaits now
to burst forth from womb

Regards,
Bill

Offline cy street

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Re: and when we saturday
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2011, 03:49 AM »
Thanks M.


and when we saturday



very interesting exchange
technique
german
salvaged by a trendy

and when we saturday

for now
take my word for it

there was an evening
an offshore plump with clouds
meyer lemons
far less than those pecking the window

tasted like sirens
hide under your bed

the milky way was edible
the smoke in the fire was legible
borders on cliche

when the text messages started
we responded
we know
and this series of lines

it's difficult being ahead
the edge of the next chapter
what native south americans
call
god's skin
is just, well, boring

food usually works for you
good evening
would you like a glass of muddled sage
serrano
coconut milk
and rum
but not here

I AM YOUR minister TONIGHT AND MY NAME IS 
let's face it
helicopters came
cameras took pictures
and you asked

could we do vegas before blanco

i said yes

these lines just drag and drop

yes
i will pull some pull
and when we saturday
could we
clear the runway

please

please

tell them it wasn't personal
just sleeping arrangements

nice end

there are seven beds
22 guests

action and gentle ambiguity

no worries
we have firewood
and
i am bringing star watching programs
software. 
we can serve that,
an original way to say it. 

we can pour that

by the way,
each month for the big dance? 
maybe you are, but just asking.

ask again,
and when we saturday
now was always better than then