Author Topic: journal 1.18.09  (Read 3833 times)

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Offline Soft Words

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journal 1.18.09
« on: January 18, 2009, 02:45 AM »
My life has gone from crazy to crazier. I'm sick (I'm trying to get an appointment before Monday night - sigh), my "cold" has turned into sinusitis (I am a good enough medical student to have learnt to add up the symptoms - and unfortunately, I cannot prescribe drugs for myself), and I'm doing a very busy rotation in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). I have one more crazy rotation to go before I'm done with med school, but the end is in sight.

Meanwhile, I'm travelling. Interviewing. For residency. The interview process ends on January 30, for which I'm so grateful. And because I cannot afford to fly (my choice is between crappy, seedy hotels or taking the bus - I choose good hotel because I need my sleep) I take the BUS - 24-hour journey to New Orleans, anyone? Two hours after staggering my way into my hotel room, I have a dinner with the intervewing program and then I can return to my room all wired up, unable to fall asleep until 4 am, then the alarm will go off and awaken me at 5 am so I can get my ass to the lobby at 6:30 so we can make it to the hospital by 7 am. Gah. Don't you just want to be me? Oh wait, it gets better. I come back from the interview at about 5, pick up my bags from the locker (I checked out in the morning) change in the visitor's bathroom from my pretty interview suit to jeans and a tee, rush out to buy a takeout dinner and scramble my way to the bus stand and get on the bus and pretty much live there for 24 hours, and remember not to drink too much water because the toilet on the bus is generally disgusting. And then arrive home in Chicago at 5 am, freeze my fingers off in the cold waiting for the bus, forget that my bus pass is in my wallet in my backpack and rummage everywhere else but there and finally find it just as its time to get off the bus, then come home and shower, breakfast, and get my ass to the hospital because I'm doing a rotation and I can;t afford to lose a fourth day this week.

Isn't my life awesome? Don't you wish you were me? No? Not even if I tell you that I need to go grocery shopping because all I have is peanut butter, chocolate syrup and old milk? You still don't want to be me? Ah well.

Its not all bad though. My attendings and residents are amazing and understanding. They don't get on my case for taking days off to interview, and a lot of my reading for this rotation is on these endless bus journeys. Despite all the missed time, I'm learning a lot. I'm getting a lot of answers and asking a lot of questions. I'm taking call. (I'm actually on call starting 8 am today, Jan 18.) I even took a day off when I had the sniffles really bad, and no one complained.

I've been away from splash for a lot of reasons - interviews and rotation being at the top of that list. Other biggies I must mention here:

- my computer wants to die
- I've been depressed
- I'm sick, whiny and I need to cook.
- my internet router is doing kerflooey things on and off.

The depression, 50% of that is the simple fact that I'm homesick. Nothing is going to fix that except going home. The other 50%, a lot of things in my life are, let us say, going in a less than ideal direction. I don't want to talk about it. Not yet anyways.

But things will get better soon. For one, it is only 12 days to Jan 30. I also happen to finish in the PICU on Jan 30. Then I'll have a ten day break before my last rotation, then I'll be done with med school. Five days after I finish that last rotation, I'll know whether I matched somewhere or not for a residency; three days later I'll know where. Then within 20 days I'm flying home. I'll have two months at home, then I'll be back for a residency. Which is when I'll live in my own apartment, have a semblance of a Life. Of course, I'll have to start paying back loans and stuff, but I'll have started getting out of debt. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Plus, I'll be doing something I love every single day of my life in a place I love. That has to count for something.

So I'm hopeful. That is what the road looks like, with the bend (my Match results) coming in on March 19. I don't know what comes after. Whatever it is, it will be good. It will be worth all these moments of despair and the numerous times my fingers have threatened to leave my hands. (it was minus 20F when I was on my way home from the hospital on saturday - sheesh.)

I have a few scraps of poems handwritten on sheafs of paper in my folder. I have a few promising starts. I have a couple of WoA chapters asking for revision. I have poems from my 30:30 to revise and rework. Friends to keep in touch with. Christmas gifts to send out *wince*. A two-and-a-half year old kiddie to play with. Newborn babies in the hospital to feed and burp. Music to uplift my sagging energy. Mom to fight my bank for me so I can use my loan to pay for all the interview travelling. Dad to call me every weekend and sometimes during the week. A brother who is my computer consultant 24/7 and who is currently looking for an awesome new computer for me. A family that is safe and healthy despite everything going on around them, a family that can embarass me and then laugh with me every single time. A family that makes fun of my accent, but no one else is allowed to do so. A best friend with whom I can pick up year-old conversations as if we'd never left off, and with whom I live in a house in Dreamland that extends across continents and from which all boys and men are forever barred. A former roommate and classmate with whom I have a mutual agreement to keep each other grounded. A computer that does what I need i tto, comes back to life when I resuscitate it, despite tryin to die every possible instant.

Yes, it isn't all bad. It is a crazy life. No one said med school was easy, but no one said I couldn't whine either. :)
Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Offline Mystic1

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Re: journal 1.18.09
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2009, 04:11 AM »
Quote
Hell is not punishment...it's training. ~ Shunryu Suzuki

Quote
When you get to the top of the mountain...keep climbing. ~ Zen Proverb


overcrowded bus
fingers frozen to the bone,
is this all worth it?
8 A. M. rounds, more questions...
grateful smile in a child's eyes.

G.



I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Offline Soft Words

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Re: journal 1.18.09
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2009, 03:36 PM »
meanwhile, i have discovered

that

astrobiology is pointless -
just come on in -
dumb eyes are twin black holes
dangerous vortexes
draining emotion from
supercharged human heart matter.
the innocent die
as innocents always do -
in vain.
Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.