Author Topic: treatise on cancer  (Read 4306 times)

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Offline theMerlin

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treatise on cancer
« on: February 27, 2008, 07:39 PM »
this love
of mine
doth fire within
me
great desire
when darkness
swallow me
the hope to live
one moment, free
a cloth of finest
silk
doth heal my
sickly ilk
what love so true
await anew
my longing for the
need to live
above
the blackness you
call life
but i a simple
mage call
strife
a single touch
of alabaster hand
enforce in me
one final stand

and yet
is it enough
to wrench from death's
dear clutch


(C)  tM  2008



Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

witt

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2008, 06:46 AM »
Merlin, what can I say? I see nothing to criticize with this one. The more I read it, the more I like it. The hopelessness is evident, but the hopefulness is inspiring. I can't seem to express what this does to me. It reiterates dum spiro, spero.

Offline Bill

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2008, 11:47 AM »
Merlin,

You always write well, in my opinion, because you write so that one might grasp, not merely guess, your meaning.  That said, I always wonder what it is that compels line breaks.  What is the sense of how the poet wants a particular piece to march, to sound that tells him, "Here, break it here"?  I don't know why you did it your way, but if I were in charge of the line breaks and other minor matters of this piece, I'd consider

1.)  this parsing, these commas, which seek to identify words that belong to each other in terms of a complete phrase.  (However, sans hearing it read, there could be so much that is so much more wrong with these suggestions.

this love of mine
doth fire within me
great desire,
when darkness swallow me,
the hope to live one moment,
free
a cloth of finest silk
doth heal my sickly ilk
what love so true
await anew
my longing for the need
to live above
the blackness you call life
but i, a simple mage,
call strife
a single touch
of alabaster hand
enforce in me
one final stand

and yet
is it enough
to wrench from death's
dear clutch

2.) the words, "swallow," and "await," and "enforce."  darkness can swallow, in certain structures, but here it seems that it would choke on a swallow that needs a cool drink of 's' to get "me" down.   "longing" could put up with, "await," if you are telling it to do so.  However, if longing is merely doing the awaiting, then it might be better matched with, "awaits."  If some other noun nearby takes that verb on a date, the same principle applies. 

3.)  you, and many others, seem to follow the Cormac McCarthy school of punctuation minimalism.  (By the way, you might want to read his, "No Country for Old Men," especially the philosophising by the sheriff between the action chapters.  Based on your mage's view of life as strife, you might find a lot in common with him.)  No distractions.  Keep the eyes and the mind moving with the action presented by the words themselves.  I don't know if that is what is being taught, or merely what some free thinkers began to do and now all who want to be considered, "cutting edge" follow.  McCarthy made it work well enough for him.  So many Pied Pipers in Hamlin these days.  So many rats, too.  At any rate, while I'm tempted to suggest more, the less may be the more you desire, because you know enough to know where they would go, if you wanted them there.

Thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts with us.  Consider the above the raucous public carousing of a drunken fool.  Put the fool in the tank until he dries out, or invite him in for another round.  Your choice.

Keep writing until the pen drops dead.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2008, 01:53 PM »
Mdme. Driector -

Ab abusu ad usum non valet consequentia, et accusare nemo se debet nisi coram Deo.

Bowing deeply. As ever, your comments speak volumes.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2008, 02:01 PM »
Bill - (May I call you"Bill?")

Passing over the half full bottle of Hennessey.

The English Lit part of me agrees with you totally.

The childe in me says, FFFFFT, I can do what I want, when I want,,,,or until I'm caught.

Seemed immensely preponderant to add punctuation into a piece written faster than the fingers could wiggle.

Did not know I was part of a fad, but at the least, now I know I belong to some category.

Think not for a minute yours are the drunken carousings of a fool.  Rather the enlightened remarks of a scholarly academie.

Spoken with expert dissecting skill and deep perceptive capability.


Bowing humbly.  You honour this olde fool by your in depth analysis.

My thanks, a cara.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline Bill

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2008, 07:07 PM »
Merlin,

Thanks for the compliment.  I'm going to mention it to my next contract.  It's certain to be heard as a bit of a joke.  Again, you're welcome.

I always offer the option of taking my comments as casually as the four thousandth falling leaf, since my sense of the poet's intent as reflected in the word selection and form of any offering, in the final analysis, is like a man blind from birth critiquing a sighted person's description of the setting sun.  But it still is fun.   And no one is more sure of himself than a drunken fool, or easier to take out.

 

Offline theMerlin

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2008, 08:30 PM »
Yet only the fool ignores the wisdom of the drunken man, a cara.

Thank you Bill ("May I call you Bill?")
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline Gale

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2008, 06:35 PM »

Merlin,

Reminds me of Herrick. And that's a compliment.

Have you tried more formally structured poetry? Your choice of diction would fit it well. Blank verse, or one of the rhyming forms. It might also serve to bridle the passion; it's harder to die in every line if we have to meet a meter quota.

Best,

Gale


Offline WordFaery

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2008, 07:01 PM »
Oh drat, I've missed the Hennessey again.  I always seem to not be in attendance when you're pouring. (sighs)


The subject summons sad memories that creep about in the nooks and crannies between your words.  I leave the commentary to Bill and Gale who grasp the technicalities better than I. 

I simply cannot bring my red pen to mark up your page.  Ever the silly faery.



WordFaery
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

Offline theMerlin

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2008, 07:45 AM »
ONLY the Fey gives pause to the slide.  Hennessey, or no, Fey dust coated the desk top this chilled morn.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: treatise on cancer
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2008, 08:01 AM »
*Bowing slowly under dark hood.

Thank thee, Gale.  For laying this olde fool's smything anywhere close to Herrick.

And aye, structrue was once a forte', now but a low fence for the memory of a young lad on the tor to hop over.

Should walls of stone bar thy way,
let not the hour pass from day.
That open gate might go unseen,
nor soul of innocence so clean.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.