Author Topic: Campaign To Avalon  (Read 3156 times)

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Offline theMerlin

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Campaign To Avalon
« on: December 23, 2007, 12:49 PM »
Wings
on fire
as dragon sat
atop a spire
Ancients
sang
of death's
deep sting
Towers
fell crumbling
from cries of
stones despairing
Knights
the guardians
stood their ground
for the magician
Avalon
hidden by mist
calls anon
the power enlist
Fading
as the hour passed
memory forgotten
of Merlin at last


©  tM  2007










Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline WordFaery

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Re: Campaign To Avalon
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2007, 05:20 PM »
Merlin,

Shouldn't the knights stand their ground for the magician?   I'm not following the tenses.  I'm sure Madame Director will sort that point out.

It wants for punctuation or line breaks in my opinion.



WordFaery
"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

Offline dublinsteve

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Re: Campaign To Avalon
« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2007, 11:15 PM »
Merlin, seems like it would read a little better if you put "a" before spire. Pay no attention to that faery behind the word! This can live without punctuation, because of the brevity. Of course I am only the steve hiding behind dublin, so my opinion may not count for much either.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: Campaign To Avalon
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2007, 01:23 PM »
Níos fearr arís? (Better?)

Ghraimn tu, Fey One.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.