Author Topic: From a Time When I Was Alive  (Read 6742 times)

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Offline theMerlin

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From a Time When I Was Alive
« on: October 30, 2007, 09:35 PM »
Stars
***********
I see stars reflected in your eyes
blinding brilliant
I lose myself in your universe
without incident.

You whisper that you made those stars
by cutting pieces from my heart
It didn't hurt that much, I whisper back.
I knew that from the start.


©  tM  2001
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline WordFaery

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2007, 10:18 PM »
Merlin,

I think this merely needs some adjustment to punctuation. 

Just a suggestion:

I see stars reflected in your eyes--
Blinding brilliant.
I lose myself in your universe,
Without incident.
*****
You whisper that you made those stars
By cutting pieces from my heart.
It didn't hurt,
I whisper back.  I knew that from the start.



Other Splasher's may read the second stanza differently and offer different ideas as far as punctuation. 
Otherwise, I like it fine.


WordFaery


"Come Fairies, take me out of this dull world for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame."      W.B. Yeats



Word Faery

witt

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2007, 06:43 AM »
I like this one, Merlin. You're getting mighty brave, stretching your neck out under the AX.
I agree with WF. You could change the punctuation. The periods are too abrupt. I don't care for the asterisks at all.
I wonder how it would read without any puntuation at all except at the end?
Let's see.

I see stars reflected in your eyes
Blinding brilliant
I lose myself in your universe
Without incident

You whisper that you made those stars
By cutting pieces from my heart
It didn't hurt
I whisper back I knew that from the start.


You be the judge. I really like this one. There seems to be a hopeful futility to this piece.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2007, 03:59 PM »
Bowing humbly -

Adjustments made to the original, per the revered suggestions of two most intelligent ladies.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline Allen

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2007, 07:35 PM »
Very good, my lord.
Allen

An action promulgated out of desperation will inevitably end in tragedy; for as its anagram so aptly foretells:  A rope ends it. �

Offline prof

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2007, 09:56 AM »
I liked this Mer.  I will make a suggestion but since it denatures the poem don't use it just see how it sounds.  I think brilliant/incident is too hard of a rhyme.  Ergo:

I see stars reflected
in your brilliant verse
I lose myself
in your universe


Prof

You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

- Disturbed

Offline theMerlin

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2007, 09:45 PM »
Bowing, thank thee, squire Allen.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline xanadu_poet

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2007, 03:58 AM »
There is some interesting imagery here, esp in the first stanza and the tone of the piece helps create an effective atmosphere.

I would perhaps consider adding active verbs and cutting out any unnecessary words to strengthen it and make it more vivid for the reader.

As an example:

The stars reflected
in your eyes made me lose
myself in your universe.

Whispering that you made
those stars by cutting pieces
from my heart never hurt.

I knew that from the start.

Offline hcscable

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2007, 01:34 PM »
This was very, very nice!!! How I would love to see a poem by the man behind Merlin. Reveal yourself.
"Painting is poetry and poetry is painting with the gift of speech"...Simonides {556 B.C.-468 B.C.}

Offline Rach

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2007, 07:43 PM »
I think this is such a "sweet" poem.  And, I mean that is the most respect.  If someone I loved repeated such verse to me, it would warm my heart.  Very nice.

Offline Echoe

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2007, 02:55 PM »
Suggestions have all been given.  Beautiful poem.  I enjoyed the read. 

Sergio

Offline theMerlin

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2007, 09:08 PM »
Thank thee, one and all.

Am but an olde, dying fool speaking words spoken oft before.
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline theMerlin

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2007, 08:31 PM »
You balanced me on a jagged blade
thank you
I teetered warily as though on parade
you're welcome

 


©  tM  2007
Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.

Offline Rach

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Re: From a Time When I Was Alive
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2007, 08:55 PM »
I like that last post, Merlin.  Insightful.